The Sky Is Where I Wanna Be. Only There Can I Be Free

Jetstar Asia Cadet Pilot Program

2011-07-04T22:24:00.002+08:00

This new revamped blog will be for all you aviation enthusiasts who are aspiring to be Airline Pilots.

This blog was made by a struggling pilot like myself, to help flyboys and flygirls like you to get into the right hand seat of your dream career.

Yes it is unfair that some people pay their way into the right hand seat but this is the model of the budget carriers nowadays and it is here to stay so live with it.

Like what I tell many people aspiring to be pilots is going to be the same. ANYONE CAN BE A PILOT. How much though are you willing to sacrifice to land yourself in your dream job?

This is a guideline on how the Jetstar interview process is done.

Firstly, save up money. About AUD$150, 000. This money will be paid for your training till your A320 endorsement. Accomodation and flights will be covered in this fee. So all you have to pay for is your daily expenses.

Next, apply for the Jetstar Cadet Pilot Program. You can find it on their website. I won't post any links here. Cause if you can't be resourceful enough, then I think you should be grounded for life.

Now wait for a reply. If you don't get a reply, then you could either give up or apply once again. I rather choose the latter.

The selection process goes like this. Remember that this is a guideline of how MY selection process went about.

Stage 1: You will be invited to a location for your computer based test. In this test, they will test you on your hand, feet and eye coordination. If you played flight simulator before it shouldn't be a problem. They will also test Maths with some simple Physics calculation. Then they will move on to orientation of aircraft and your multi-tasking skills. The last part of the test will be assessing your character. There will be 200+ questions. Do not lie during this point of your test and answer truthfully. This would expedite the process and you will be finished even before the allocated time of 2 Hours and 30 Minutes for the whole process. Make sure you are relaxed for this stage of the program. You do much better relaxed and composed.

If you get called up later on in the day, CONGRATULATIONS! You made it to stage 2 of the interview process.

Stage 2: The next selection test will be done in a group then followed by an individual interview by a psychologist and a representative from your training institute. You will be given several tasks to complete. In the group discussion they would like to see how you interact with others and they look out for leadership qualities. Please don't oppress your team mates or that would get you kicked out the selection. Do what a good leader would do. Discuss and listen to everyone's opinion and then decide what your group should do. LEADERSHIP SKILLS is important. After this is done, my group was asked to build a bridge out of wooden sticks and blocks.

Then it is time for lunch before your individual interview.

For the individual interview, remember to compose yourself. Have confidence in yourself and speak in your normal manner. Using plain simple english is good.

After all that is done, it is a waiting game again. Wait for the call or e-mail from Jetstar Asia. I got my call the following week. (3 days after)

If you make it, CONGRATULATIONS!

Stage 3: This interview will be conducted in front of a panel . They will be from HR and can include a pilot in the ranks. Remember. You made it this far. So you have it in you. Now to get them to be able to work with you. Be yourself and have an air of confidence but please don't overdo it till you seem 'full-of-shit'. There's a difference of being confident and being a prick. All they want to know is whether or not you'd be a person they'd be able to work with and whether you'd be an asset to the company.

Then it's a waiting game of about a few days. Then you will receive a call for your briefing or a call to tell you the bad news that you didn't get through. So keep your phone close.

This is just a guideline of how MY selection process was conducted. Sorry if I might seem crude at some stage. I like to keep things frank and easily understood by the majority.

If you have any questions, kindly just leave your questions in the comments section and please leave your e-mail address so that I could reply to your questions. Thanks.

I hope this helps. See you on the apron soon hot shot.

Only God Knows Why

2011-07-04T17:54:00.002+08:00

Well it's me again.

There will be a total revamp of this blog. I've received messages on FB and e-mails asking me why I've decided to shut this site down.

So I guess it would be a rather selfish act to close this blog down. So I shall keep it updated.

This is for all the people who read this blog.

Life hasn't been all too good for me right now. I'm kicked down into the dirt but still I find the strength within me to carry on and keep moving forward.

We all made it this far.

It's time to let go of the past and start living.

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon but that we wait so long to begin it.

NO REGRETS

Will be updating the blog regularly now.

SITE SHUT DOWN

2011-05-03T18:43:00.002+08:00

This blog is officially closed by me.

Dreams do not come true.
Love is fake.
Even if I wanted to post something, I can't.

Death surrounds me as I sit here in the last hours of my life...
I purge my pain through my veins as life drains out in pale red...
Ah, the bliss of knowing that you no longer need to care...

Naked Skies

2011-05-01T19:38:00.002+08:00

It's been raining lately and I haven't been in the best of moods.

I've put on the mask that I used to wear...

Everything's alright. As long as I hide it deep within me.

Holding a cup of coffee, I'm standing here outside on my balcony looking out to the night skies. Orion stares down on me. A tear rolled down and sent a freezing chill down my cheeks.

As long as my weakness doesn't show, everything will be fine. Masks don't show emotions.

I don't know how it got so bad.

This is all I have left. Just don't take this away from me...

All I can do is stand tall and upright behind this mask that I tear behind...

The Silent Scream

2011-03-03T00:39:00.002+08:00

The cool breeze enters my room from the opened window as the first few days of autumn refreshes my body.

The chill tingles my spine as I sat forward writing my death warrant. I couldn't take being an option no more and being kept a secret.

Trying to smile and laugh all the time is hard especially when you've got mounting problems which no one knows.

All I needed was someone to comfort me. The tears and years of pain can all be alleviated from the hug of the woman you love.

No, she didn't do it. Instead she cut me open a new wound and left me bleeding. Was I just an option?

I'm know left on my knees begging for dear life again.

Not again... God please.

End of One & Beginning of Another

2010-12-04T23:01:00.002+08:00

Winding up the window as the rain sneaks past the rain guard, refreshing me with chilled water straight from the heavens. A quiet drive back home.

Been going around meeting the people whom I thought would've finished their training long before I returned back.

It's really disheartening to see the ones that I thought would've made it turn into cold ugly people. Far away from the ones that they love and care about, they've become drug addicts, drug pushers and alcoholics.

Men without discipline, drive and the real passion to do what they really want. Years back, I still remember their voices saying that flying was all they've ever yearned to do in their life. Now when I look back and see them now, it's far from what they told me years back.

Sitting in the car, I made a promise that I'll never turn into that kind of man. I've got my family to think about and of course myself.

I'm on a mission and I'm going to accomplish what I've set out to do. To fly and to train hard for my team.

Training and routine starts tomorrow. Dedication and Discipline. The double D's in my life. Not tits.

Still something feels missing in my heart.

Sweeping Waves

2010-08-21T15:39:00.003+08:00

Lying down on the ground, I'm huffing and puffing. I ran hard. Beads of sweat trickling down my face.

Just another way of escaping the pain that exists in life. Channeling the pain to something else that would benefit me.

Once, someone told me that she'd always love me. That she'll wait and be the one standing there when I changed my ways. I turned around and I was still standing alone.

I used to beg them not to go. To stay close to me, not to go. Cause I needed them. I'm afraid to wake up alone. To turn around and see no one there. Love cannot be measured by time, space or words. But rather, it's the only thing that exists on earth of which we all can see evidence of supernatural origin. I live off the feeling of love. It gives me the strength to carry on.

Always, do I blame myself for them leaving me. I was weak, I grew strong. Love was the reason why I kept trying to improve myself. To be a man unmatched by any other man. To finally find a woman who would love me. For who I am and not.

Nowadays, I play paintball. No doubt that injury has gotten to me and I'd have to sit out of a few tournaments, I'm ready to give it all I've got till my last breath. Bring my team to the podium and keep our fire burning. Burning so deep and unquenching like just like coal.

When I look back in the game, I always know that someone has my back. That is number 13, Phyo.

Though out of the field, I've got no woman waiting for me to hold her in my arms, in the field, I've got him and he's got my back.

I lie down on the beach with the waves beating against my battered body and the sun watching over me.

Waiting for my woman to appear in my life. I've been waiting 25 years of my life to meet her. I'm getting impatient. Cause I know she's alone too and that kills me inside.

Take Me Back Home...

2010-04-19T15:59:00.002+08:00

A weakened hero from the battles, I put on a strong and emotionless face. I stand tall but no one knows the loneliness and pain of this hero that walks among them. Showing no fear when he's face to face with his enemies. He smiles at them instead. He already knows that he's dead to begin with. Choose to live and make a difference today or flame out like the rest of the normal people.

People always say that heroes die first. BUT! their memories remain on the battlefields and history books.

Don't get me wrong. There's a difference between wanting to be a hero and suicidal.

New day, New start. I draw my sword and face the enemies that yearn to draw my blood on the battlefield. With my brothers by my side, I'm immortal.

One thing that they will never know is that I've always yearned for peace and to be back home with someone that loves me...

Who will remember you... If you were to pass on today?

I will... I will my brother.

Improbable but not Impossible

2010-04-13T00:16:00.002+08:00

I was on the train today. A couple was seated in front of me. Cuddling on the train. I looked at them and smiled. Whilst smiling, my heart hurt as the old wounds re-opened. Like a shaken bottle of soda, pain poured out. It almost felt as though I could feel again. I felt a little more alive.

As quickly as the emotions surfaced, it disappeared. Like a violent volcanic eruption on Jupiter's Europa.

I don't have any motivation to continue writing on... My shortest entry. Also my most emotional one.

Vices

2010-04-06T01:24:00.002+08:00

Well this post was actually written for someone that wanted to read up on something. A facebook friend. This is for you.

Based on a true story.

This is the story of Leon and Kim. Lest we forget. I know you're looking down from the heavens above. I miss both of you.

Here's how it goes...

He looked at me and asked in a deep toned voice "Is she Kim?".
I held back my tears as he unzipped the body bag to reveal her face. I'd never feel her hands caressing my head ever again. I gave her a kiss on her forehead. I stormed out of the mortuary and took off our engagement ring and threw it as far as the eye can see.
---
About 3 years ago, I met a beautiful girl named Kim. She was tall, slim and sexy. She attracted me physically at first. All I really wanted to do was to slowly undress her and make sweet love to her. Little did I know that I was about to fall for this woman. Her smile made me quiver and would tame any beast, her touch made my skin tingle and when she spoke, I swear that it sounded like a hymn which calmed my senses and made me believe. You see, I came from a broken home and was a love skeptic. She made me believe in love.

As all young couples do, we partied and lived the moment. Young and carefree. Rebels without a cause.

Soon enough, it was time for me to bring my new found love to formally meet my best friend Leon.

I've known Leon eversince I was 13. So we spent quite some time together. We shared the good, the bad and the ugly together. Through thick and thin. I know if I needed someone to watch my back, Leon would be the one. There was just one problem though. Leon was hot headed. I don't know whether it's his addiction to Ketamine also known as 'K'. Nevertheless, he was the closest thing I had to family. I knew that he'd never turn his back against me. So it didn't really bother me.

Leon and Kim kicked it off well I must say. Better than I originally expected. We frequently partied at Zouk, the stretch down MS and Boat Quay. I was proud to walk beside Kim and hold her hand. Guys would just stare at her and I'd just give them the look of "Look all you want, she's with me". With the occasional curses coming from Leon. Being the protective 'brother' he always is.
---
I screamed and shouted at Kim. I was pissed off. I told her to get out. I had a strong dislike for people who consumed drugs. With the exception for Leon. I just wanted to tell her that I cared for her. Guess emotions got the best of me. She left... I still remember what she wore. Her favourite Levi's jeans, an off shoulder white top and her lucky pink hair clip.
---
He took out a packet of 'K' and crushed some on the table to finer particles. He carefully lined it to form a 'train'. He then 'shot' it up his nose.
They were on a high. He smelled her hair. He missed Mich so much. Slowly undressing her and sucking on her erect nipples...

Mich was Leon's ex-girlfriend. She and Leon had the same interests. She was more hardcore. Chasing the dragon and what not. The occasional syringe and needle. She was a high maintenance woman. Leon loved her whole heartedly. Until he found out that she was cheating on him. That entitled him to call her a 'bitch' everytime he talked about her.
---
I went over to Leon's place to confide in him the next day. I had no one to turn to. I reached his block and saw a foreign worker washing the floor with some strong smelling chemical. I took the lift up and to my horror, there were CID officers and forensics taking photos of his unit. Looks like he got what he deserved. A female officer was present and she was holding on to a clear evidence bag...

In it was Kim's lucky pink hair clip.

Post Number 225.

2010-03-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

Now who would have ever known that I'd be posting on this blog for 225 times and hopefully more in the near future.

There are times when I look up at the sky and wish for someone stronger than I am to pick me up and carry me on.

Someone who would wipe the tears away.

I've been an angry individual. Always thinking that by running, it would be easier to walk... One day. The problem is, it gets tougher day by day. A never ending onslaught of troubles. Where I even fear to even look to the future. That frustrates me which then evolves into anger.

It is not how I want people to look at me now. More of how they will remember me when I pass on. Am I even significant enough to be remembered? At 25, what have I done? Is this really my all?

I feel like my end is coming near. I have no sense of self preservation anymore. I don't think of suicide but how pleasant it would be to finaly be laid to rest. Then again when I come to think about it, I've lived and went through hellish times. It will all go to a waste if I don't continue and persevere. Though I don't know what will become of me if I continue on. I know however that my contributions today would deem me almost useless if I were to pass on today. So I've decided to take the chance and continue to strive for the better.

It's hard. Thankfully I was built tough.

I still look up to Orion and smile.

For those I love and cherish. Also for those whom I have yet to love and cherish.

While You Breathe, I Hope...

2009-11-27T04:50:00.002+08:00

There are many lessons that can be learnt from people from different groups.

"While I breathe, I Hope." Was one that I learnt from someone who I think happens to have character and a strong spirit.

She's made it quite well as an individual. Maybe I don't know much about her yet. But so far, this particular female has caught my eye. So I'll just watch in the far far distance first. Recon team, you're up. Intel has to be gathered first. Before executing the plan and completing the objective. Failure is an option punishable by death.

Ok... Maybe not death... Cause most likely this operation will fail.

Most likely a punishment more degrading than death. That is a slap on the cheek. She'd better balance it out on both cheeks. Even if this fails, at least can get to feel the palms of her hands on my face. Though not the gentle sort of touch that most of us are looking for. She's attached.

The rays of sun are piercing through the clouds. Sadly it's still another year until I can shoulder that responsibility of even thinking of loving anyone.

Misunderstood...

2009-11-23T22:59:00.003+08:00

When I smile, no one looks at me. It's just normal.

When I tear, people look at me and say "What got into your eyes?"

When I frown, they stay away.

When I'm angry, they walk away and turn blind.

Where did understanding that person that did mean something to you?

Why do we humans always like to miss something and cry over it once it's gone.

I'm a so called "Go-Getter". There is just one thing that I am unable to seek and get. That is someone or something that would understand and love me for who I am. Not to change me.

Someone that actually with all of her heart, quietly supports me. To keep my back straight.

Someone that I'll lovingly introduce to my friends and say, this is the woman of my success.

Everynight, I just listen to the distant, stray sounds of a broken guitar. Strumming it's loneliest tune in the most sickening kind of way.

What sickens me even more is when someone says she loves me but tries to change me. The "You should try doing this.." Syndrome.

As long as I am breathing and willing to walk this wretched path that God has put me in, one that He himself won't see mee through, I will be waiting for that one woman who would finally hold my hand. Then I can finally leave this path and walk with her to her destination. Only to know that one day, I'll have to continue the unfinished journey that I've left behind.

Knives, bullets and fists can hurt and kill me. But no living soul shall take the damn curse away from this sickened creature that walks this very Earth which bastards and bitches, of Adam and Eve, have left behind.

Without Love, Cursed this life we live in.

Sadness In Beauty

2009-11-23T05:22:00.002+08:00

Like many of the nights that I spend, I awoke again tonight, haunted by my past.

On the surface, it looks as though this man is contented with what life has to offer. Really, inside of him is just a vast emptiness.

No matter how you look at this picture, it is in fact beautiful but still you feel the emptiness and sadness. It's like having a body without a soul. A walking dead.

No matter how many years have past, the memories still remain. Scarring my soul. A wound that time cannot heal. As long as I breathe, these memories would continue to haunt me. Asking for forgiveness is out of the question. How do you ask for forgiveness when the person has passed?

Someone told me that it was my fault for bringing him to where he is now. He made his choices and his choices were wrong. It was on his own free will that caused him to make the decisions in his life. All I did was to be there beside him when hard decisions were made.

We shared the pain, sadness, happiness and every other human emotion.

It was because of that decision that has caused me to be empty inside. His last words still play clearly in my mind.

"When you going to settle down and love one?"

Well I've settled down my anger and disgust for people. Love? Now that's gonna be a hard one.

I rise up from my grave, show my finger to the GODs, spit on humanity and smile at death.

Only the sick are brave enough to stand alone.

I Can't Make You Love Me When You Don't

2009-10-08T05:03:00.010+08:00

Its time again when I look upon the stars wishing that I ceased to exist from the beginning.

It takes one kiss to fall in love. One lifetime to forget the pain and hurt. Everything doesn't matter when you've lost the one thing that matters most.

People say that you can allow the heart that you love to hurt you. But never ever hurt the heart that loves you.

I clench my fists and punch the air. Enraged by the fact that I'm not holding her right now. I can never hold that hand ever again. I try to hit as hard as I can. The sweat trickles down my forehead. My beads of sweat glisten under the gloomy night sky.

I feel as helpless as the stars in the sky. I'm sure if they were human, they'd share my pain too. They all stare down at me, twinkling. Reminding me of my child hood days when everything seems right. Not a care in the world. Just food, water, shelter and my loving family.

That was just a fantasy dream cause my childhood was destroyed by the people whom claim love me. When I'm grown, I dreamed of a fairy tale relationship which will end in a "HAPPILY EVER AFTER". Not in this world. Maybe in books. But really not in this world.

Night after night as I look into the night sky, the same usual suspects await to see the real me. Without the mask that I put on. Though distant they may be, the stars appear every night. Like a best friend even. They throw their moods aside and shine brightly in the sky giving twinkling rays of hope. Even if it's blocked by a cloud or a branch, you definitely know that once you have a clear view of the sky, they are always there. Without fail.

Something you can learn from the stars. No matter where you are, look up and you'll always see a star.

Thank God I've got my own living "stars" in my life. This post is for the fags that keep bugging me to watch Coupling, play L4D and smoke like choo-choo train at Star$.

There is still hope. There is always hope.

I sink my head into my pillow and close my eyes hoping that tomorrow will be better. I know it will.

P/S Sarah is mine. I have Patrick's schlong and you're in love with Rosie. Shadine will all be mine and you can READ! Cause you read this blog.

Look at the labels! It's sure to hit the roof! Where the hell is my hit count?

The Prison

2009-09-28T22:38:00.002+08:00

We all live and grow up in one big prison which is very hard to get out of. Ever since birth we've been imprisoned. This is my prison, Singapore.

When young, we're completely oblivious to this fact. As we're educated and as feelings and thoughts mature, we find that we're all sinking into a depression and progressing towards an inevitable destruction of our own kind.

Like a prisoner waiting for his death sentence to be carried out, we still smile and joke everyday even though we know what lies for us at the end of the road. We can however alleviate it by finding pleasures in our life. Of course we know by indulging ourselves to what we like ultimately destroys us and further accelerates our death wish. Be it simple innocent pleasures or pleasures found only in the deep dark recesses of the amazon jungle. Like maybe making love to anacondas(Just an example). No matter how light or severe the consequences, we still take time to further kill ourselves and we still laugh and smile about it.

It is such a curse to open your eyes to the world and realize that you've been fucked from the very beginning.

No one else listens cause ultimately they don't care. But we all know the outcome at the end.

DEATH awaits. So smile as it approaches. Just like how you usually do when you indulge in your vices.

My Everything...

2009-09-28T00:02:00.004+08:00

I remember the time when she said, I'll always love you. I continue thinking about it. Hoping, like it would happen once again.

I guess the reason why I was paranoid was revealed to me awhile back. But I couldn't come to terms with it.

I was afraid of losing someone that I held so dear.

Guess some people cannot move on that easily.

Just like clinging onto your religion hoping that yours was right and there is a GOD, I hold onto the empty hopes that one day we'd be together once again.

Does she still sing our song and wave at Orion?

Here, I am, waiting for the rays of sun to caress my bare skin. But there are always people around looking at me weird just cause I'm naked...

Now the world is my playground. But still I yearn for her.

Remember, that if another guy doesn't tell you that he loves you, look for me. I won't tell you I love you, but tell him what he will be missing out if he doesn't.

The way she once loved me is unforgettable.

It's not you that will always love me. It is I that have always loved you.

Now that the knight has fallen in his quest for love, even the rose he holds in his hand contrasted to the background of war, is a stalk of heaven buried in the soils of hurt, suffering and death. The rose would inevitably die from the richness of iron in the blood drenched soil.

Joy to the world!

2009-09-11T02:02:00.003+08:00

Thank you for guns and zombies.

Kick a rock when you're angry and you'd most definitely hurt your foot. That's why I kick a stone towards my victim when I'm angry to most definitely remind him/her not to piss me off.

Be thrifty with toilet paper in toilet and you'd most definitely get poo on your hands.

Female who suck lollipops above the age of 18 are not CUTE but are in fact SLUTTY.

Condoms are best used with PENIS and NOT filled with water.

A female's kindness expires after marriage.

Some random facts that was going through my head. Time to sleep and stop being so depressed. Life's too short to keep looking back.

Crumbling Behind Me

2009-07-03T00:46:00.002+08:00

Alot of people say that after the rain, the sun would ultimately prevail. Optimistic thinking indeed. One idea that we all should all try to get a grasp on.

I simply just cannot learn from the optimistic bastards.

I've exhausted myself.

It's almost time I think.

I've separated myself from any social life. Still, it's of no use.

Separated myself from close friends so that they would not get implicated into this whole problem anymore. It's time that I took no shortcuts. Problems are mine and mine to keep. I cannot always find shortcuts when these problems are thrown onto me by others. No doubt, blood is thicker than water, sometimes when the shit hits the fan, which family member would be there beside you? I've stood by mine.

I've built a path for myself which continues to crumble behind me. There's no walking back. The only way to go is forward. I've severed all ties with anyone in hopes to make myself more independant. Not dependant on anyone else but myself. If I don't then the temptation to always be lazy and not work harder is always there.

Now, its to tackle the problems as if my survival depended on it.

It gets really depressing being alone most of the time.

I sign off still yearning for just a hug. Even if it meant that it came from a stranger.

Trying to rid the feeling of loneliness. Emotions are for the weak.

Family, they're the only ones left when all else crumbles before your eyes. I still remember...

Mask

2009-03-30T03:15:00.002+08:00

Now as some of you guys might know that I've been working at a night spot in Singapore. If I haven't been working at a night club, I'd never come to know any of this happenings. Not that I'm ignorant enough not to know or even think about it. It just won't happen to even cross my absent minded head.

I enjoy myself working at this night spot. You get to see the ugly and taste the disgust.

Yes, all of us hope to find a decent, legit and well paying job. Some of us aren't that lucky. On the way being a pilot, most people would think that I'd rather be working behind a desk. Then again, would you lock yourself up in your toilet and work in it? Cubicle desk jobs, That's a big NO in my books.

When the week is over and it's time to unwind and relax yourself, people at this night spot don't seem to do that. In fact, they do the exact opposite. They work harder to impress the others around them than their own bosses at their daytime job, dress better, speak better and act as though they are some big shot who owns the world. Or should I say, the world owes them something.

Little do they realise that in between the rugged bouncers, most of the time looked down upon, there is a diamond that is just looking at the way they are behaving and laughing in their faces. They are nothing but pretentious people who put on their masks when its the weekend. They suffocate in their own crap whilst trying to be the next Paris Hilton of Singapore.

They dress to kill in their heels. They grab a few drinks and the next moment you see them, they stumble on a step and fall. Glamourous? Don't think so. Walking out of the toilet with your skirt wedged in between your lacy panties while giving me the stare that I'm not worth your time... For me that's priceless my dear. For everything else for you, there's always your Mastercard, your Visa or whatever card you so wish to hold and struggle to pay when the bill comes. Maggie instant noodles must be your favourite food.

You act so posh but when it's behind closed doors, you eat as good as a domestic cat or dog. Wait a minute. My cat food is more expensive than your damn Maggie noodles. My cat eats better food than you.

Is that the price you pay to be noticed? To just be noticed. I laugh at you people.

"Oh my GOD! How did you lose so much weight? What is your secret?" I hear so many girls saying that to their girl friends. The truth? EASY!

Overspend during the weekends and force yourself to only survive on Maggie noodles for the rest of the month while struggling to pay for your credit card bills spent at Zouk.

Emptiness

2009-03-24T01:52:00.003+08:00

Its the time of the night again. Sitting in the basement. Nothing much to do but to let the thoughts of sadness and depression slowly seep into my head.

I'm stronger this time round but something inside me tells me that it's getting really very lonely.

There is something in me that longs for a belonging to someone. I'm afraid to take this road alone.

Its a lonely, gloomy future. That's all that I see. The ones that urge me to move on ain't here no more.

What made me even worse was when people keep talking about things that I've lost.

Part of me wants to hide. Part of me looks in the mirror and laughs at the image that so strongly resembles me. How pathetic I am. Part of me feels sad. Self pity gets you nowhere.

I take the first steps into the gloomy tunnel. It's already starting the get lonely. I need someone to love and reciprocate my feelings. I hope I find her while walking.

So I put my best face on. I smile, walk tall and face the perils of this world.

Oh death, how nice of you to drop by. I smiled...

Are we human?

2009-03-03T16:32:00.002+08:00

This is a cat. This cat belongs to our next door neighbour. He comes over often to chill with us and seek human attention.

We didn't name him as he isn't our cat. Often he disappears and would only appear when he's hungry.

Now use this situation and put yourself in the cat's position. Have you ever done that yourself? Be truthful. I have and I'm not afraid to admit.

The worst part of it all are the people who keep lying to themselves and afraid to admit that they are guilty of being this cat.

This cat is an animal. They act through their pure basic survival instincts. It wasn't trained.

But we humans. How did we ever become animalistic? Didn't we evolve to be high up on the food chain? So high up that we resorted to cannibalism. Not talking about eating other human beings. I'm talking about murder, rape, war, etc.

What has caused this chain reaction that caused us to victimise our own species. Was it our upbringing? Highly unlikely as this occurs worldwide despite of your upbringing. Is it programmed into us by mother nature? That we must kill?

Are we striving for a perfect society where the weak are slaughtered and the strong will only survive? No matter how much you train at the gym, how many martial arts you master or how well you can speak would discount you from the powers of money. Money is strength, power in our community.

No one would give two hoots about you if you had no money. Yeah, a girl might give you a glance if you're lucky but without money, you've just ran out of luck buddy.

We're progressing towards a world where women are socialites and men are worker bees. Where did our family values go to? Diminished by the greed of the world.

You wake up everyday, worrying about money. Is it enough?

It'll never be enough until the day you realised that you were born in a cursed era. The downfall of the human race. Not through plagues, diseases or war. It was a chain reaction that started when currencies were developed. The rich will always exploit the poor.

If the Heavens made you rich, you'd say you'd be forever grateful and donate some wealth away. When that day comes, would you even write it down in your weekly to-do-list?

I doubt. And I doubt that there will ever be a solution to this.

So seize the day. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you may die. How bitterly cursed we are. I frolick in the thoughts of the world ending.

Waiting...

2009-02-27T00:45:00.003+08:00

There are generally 2 types of people out there in this world.

1. The sheltered ones, who lead good life, have nothing to worry about, get a good education and become succesful. This is provided that they don't fuck up half way.

2.The stronger more brutal breed, the unsheltered scums. Who lead a tough life, having to overcome many problems, most probably will fuck up, dropped out of school and become scums. This is provided they are not lucky and get a break in their life.

The sheltered ones usually have a good education and thus, think they are Alpha-males or Alpha-females and try to rule over the stronger breed.

Because they have a good education, not necessarily a higher IQ and EQ, they know answers to many things. Yet again still asks stupid questions when you meet them at a restaurant. Like "Hey Greg! What are you doing here?" someone might say to another in a fucking restaurant in a very posh or educated voice knowing well enough that common sense would make it clear to you that he is there to eat. Do you go to restaurant to watch a strip show or maybe go for a boxing lesson there?

Of course the Alpha breed have their own competitions. Like who is smarter, who graduated with a degree or a double degree, who their partner is and their plan to rule the world that revolves around them. Always trying to show off what they have. To talk about something that he/she doesn't have is forbidden. That would just make them feel more insecure and useless. So bringing up a topic about that brand new Lamborghini or a super car that drove by is a big NO NO.

Basically, the Alpha breed, lead a very sheltered life. Get a good job or not work at all. They'll just sponge off Parent's money till a good respectable job comes around.

Now let us talk about the more inferior breed. The brute scums of this Earth that the Alpha breed looks down upon.

They were born tough, some are really smart and have put their gift to developing Street skills. Many have exemplary IQs and EQs which them even more dangerous. They're sly and would do almost anything that would benefit them.

These breeds of humans though have a soft spot for people that they hold dear. Like family, friends and spouse. They do look up and envy the Alpha breed. Just because they wished they were there so that the job can be done easier and more efficiently. They are natural problem solvers.

The brutes always love to cut corners, take shortcuts and implement new ideas so that the job can be more fun and exciting. They hate being chained down by authority which makes them a little hard to control and thus job hopping. Either they didn't like the job or they got fired.

Down to earth breed.

What this all comes down to is, I am tired. Come up with your own fucking hypothesis and see where this goes. Wars are fought with brutes. Alpha breed sit around and plan. You can win a war without a tactician/planner. But you can never win a war without an army. Oh you said, how about Ghandi? How many battles have been fought? Only 1 ended without blood shed cause someone couldn't keep his mouth shut. My hats off to him indeed.

But when the first bullet is fired, politics and laws of the Alpha breed all go out the window.

A movie to watch is Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans.
Vampires = Alpha breed
Lycans = Brutes

You can teach a brute to do a job and he will do it well and improve it. Leave a job to an Alpha breed and all you get is repititions of the same produce. Alpha breed follow rules. Brutes try to save time to further use it to screw your wife, have a smoke, blabber about women and read playboy mags etc...

So which category do you fall in?

By the way, Alpha-females find brutes HOT.

Till the day this brute gets lucky and light shines upon him, I'll never forget my roots.

Silent Cries...

2008-12-09T03:18:00.002+08:00

Was it the words that you needed to hear? What did you really wanna hear from me?

This picture was taken when I first met my girl.

Now that she is so far away I've realised how much she really means to me.

Not to hear her good nights.

Do you really know how much you mean to me?

Even if you are beyond the furthest reach of this world, I'll gladly walk to wherever you are just to be with you.

Can you hear my silent cries that all I ever wanted was for you to love me.

These past few days hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies like we promised one another.

I have lost all sense of even thinking correctly. I can't write in this blog like I used to.

Can you hear me screaming for you?

I quietly sob tonight thinking of you. This is what you left me. Nothing really worth it to even look after.

Tears stroll down my cheeks as I lay my last strokes on this page as I publish this post.

Am I really not that good enough. Who will ever understand? I smile at this pathetic man as I look into the mirror. Picking up the pieces as I slowly crawl along holding my chest in pain trying to pick up my shattered heart that's been broken into pieces by the ones that I hold dear to.

I smile... Who will ever know the broken man that ever existed. As long as I keep quiet and keep smiling. It will all be OK.

I love you still with every piece of my broken heart.

I look at the stars to see the darkest tears they cry for me tonight.

Relativity

2008-11-16T08:33:00.004+08:00

This picture was taken after being lost in KL for approximately 3 hours during our first lunch together.

Well it hit me hard this morning. I'm again missing her. I looked over to my right where she used to lay this morning to hug her only to find no one.

I went out to meet my buddies for coffee and some gaming and good clean fun. Deep down inside, I secretly kept thinking of her.

I always thought that I'm the man. Why am I feeling this way? I never used to feel insecure when someone asks for my girl's number. I never use to have thoughts of paranoia.

There's something about this angel that is causing me to feel this way. I have fallen head over heels for this woman and she doesn't realize how astronomical this means to me.

There are guys asking for her number and I used to be the kind of man who'd be thinking, go ahead and ask my girl, she's mine and there's nothing you can do about it. Now, I feel insecure and scared. Why? I have no idea.

The more in love I am with this girl, the more afraid I am to lose her. Is this the way I'm supposed to be feeling?

It's always smiles and laughter with me. But if you take a look inside of me, it would be a whole different dimension altogether. Constantly in fear.

I guess I just need assurance. A GREAT DEAL AMOUNT OF IT TOO!

Then again, it's easy to fall in love but only a few have the courage to continue on.

The man who used to stand tall is always here to stay. I cannot allow myself to soften. I just have a really weak spot for her now. It feels good though. With that unimaginable feeling entails unforeseen problems that only a man with foresight like myself can see, solve or prevent.

I want to hold her hand. We aren't fools for rushing in.

I hum the tune Can't help falling in love by Elvis as I walk out alone to greet the skies tonight.

An Eventful Meeting...

2008-11-15T01:58:00.002+08:00

This picture was taken after we had dinner at my baby's favourite dessert franchise, Delicious.

This was the first time I was going to meet her. I was anxious to meet her whilst I was on the plane. It felt as though I was meeting a teenage love.

I saw this girl in a dress sitting down and waving at me. Time slowed down as she stood and I saw her dress waivering around her curvacious body as the gentle breeze blew the dress against her body.

She received a fine at the airport for illegally parking the car. So that she wouldn't be late to pick me up. She drove 180km/h endangering her own life because of what I said to her. Another one of my stupid mistakes.

We had a great time getting lost in Kuala Lumpur. She didn't know the roads well and I was a tourist. So we figured out a way to get around. When lost, just keep going straight and at some point, you'll reach your destination.

Instead of going back, she convinced me and I too wanted to stay another night just to spend more time with my baby. She didn't need to convince me much. I was just waiting for her to ask me to stay another night.

That fateful night would turn out to be disastrous but memorable. I was driving and met with an accident. To make things simple, it was a traffic accident. I wouldn't like to elaborate.

We had dinner at some Iranian place after the whole scenario. I wasn't feeling too chirpy about what just happened. Spending 4 hours at the Emergency Room.

Before I knew it, we had to part. My heart shattered when she held my hand and kissed it. I left a piece of my heart where we parted outside the car workshop.

All I could think about on the long trip home was what I could've have done to make it a better trip. Shouldn't have said "Go to hell" nor driven nor tell her not to be late and endanger herself. How would I forgive myself if anything were to happen to her whilst she was coming to pick me up.

I can see her picking me up from work at the airport. When I stare into her eyes, I can see my unborn children.

There is no way I can actually write what I really feel. I now know what it feels like to be on the inside of love.

Looking out the window, it is a full moon tonight and the ambience makes me feel even more lonely.

I promised myself not to tear, but I guess it was just for me to just let my eyes well up with tears.

I miss her like crazy already. Can't wait for her call. To hear her voice.

I worship the very ground she walks on. I live with her every heart beat. Her heart beats for two now. My world revolves around her. She's the provider of energy to me. Like how the planets in this solar system ever so revolves around the sun and worships it. She is my sun. My Life.

We'll make it I swear.

The Sky Was Never The Limit... For Me

2008-10-30T16:37:00.001+08:00

This is a photo of the lady whom I'm in love with. It's a very magical story of romance and a unique and unlikely way to fall in love.

Tomorrow is claimed to be one of the toughest exam that commercial pilots face in their journey to becoming an airline pilot. I've heard of people failing the exam 7 times. I cannot afford to fail this exam so that I can feel that I've deserved my upcoming holiday.

Today in school, the ground instructor for my cohort, one whom I dislike, came up to me asking me why I am attending school but I'm not attending his class. I have spoken to the advisor for the academy asking her to excuse me for ground school. I'm really better off studying by myself than going for his classes.

He spoke to me in a voice which I used to hear when I was 9 years old. For everyone's sake, I'm 23 and capable of handling myself. I've been putting in work to score well for this upcoming exam. I want to show the school that International students are not here to mingle around and have fun overseas. I have a goal and I'm not letting anyone get in the way. I want to show them what a real "Maverick" is. I am a high flyer.

When I score for the exam and bring back the results to the school in the morning, I want everyone to eat a humble pie. All eyes on me. I want to show them that I don't need ground school nor anyone nagging me to get things done. I will score better than the students that attended his pathetic lessons.

Get ready people. Cause the bar has just been raised by me. I was born to make an impact in this world. To make changes. Going against the norm. The rebel without a cause. I walk like I'm full of it because I can AFFORD to. There are many pilot wannabes that walk the walk, talk the talk but what they really are is just all crap and bullshit. Damn I make this look good.

Time for bed. Enough studying and worrying.

A Danger

2008-10-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

This picture was taken at Archerfield by my camera phone. It is a DC-3 which has been in service since 1970s. It is now out of commission. Though they are refitting her to make her airworthy once again. It is a powered by 4 radial engines. That's all I know about this old bird. But she's a beauty.

I stood at my favourite place at the aerodrome today. I stared at the planes taking off. Staring beyond the horizon. I wish I could do better than this.

I just feel that I am just not doing enough. I am better than this. I'm sinking into an abyss that I'm afraid that if I ever go too deep, I'll never come out from it. I swear I'm made for much bigger things than I have ever achieved in this 23 years of my life.

I guess the stress of me going back to my country is more daunting than I have expected.

Could I have done more?

I really needed this break I guess. This country is making me go crazy. If it wasn't for my friends, I think I would've been broken now.

Besides my friends who are physically here right now, I have good company on the phone every night. I enjoy talking to her. I cannot help but think that the decisions that she and I have made in our life brought us to cross one another's path.

The wind is blowing against my back, my shirt flutters against the wind. The storm is coming in. As the clouds dampen the warm spirit of the sun's rays, I take a slow walk to the car.

I thank everyone who made me who I am today. Whether you did me wrong or you were a friend to me or even a brother, you moulded me into the man I am today. Pieces of my heart drops onto the ground as I remember my fallen brethren.

I miss my family, my brothers, my C. Wan, my M. Tung and my girl.

I did my best alright. Still am the best.

It is my pursuit to being the best that incenuates anger and hate within myself.

Coming to think about it when I'm sitting down in front of my laptop, I've come a very long way to where I am right now. So no matter what anyone says, I still am the best in my own way. So I don't need any awards nor commendations to show the world that I am the best. We are all the best in our own way.

I shall sleep tonight hugging myself and missing her. Waking up the next morning just to tell her that I love her.

I shall post her photo in my next update. Stop pushing it alright guys? It's good enough that I am posting it up to show you guys.

Till we meet again.

Withering Days Of Man Kind

2008-10-19T21:36:00.002+08:00

I've been to many places that all seems too familiar. Anywhere I walk to, anywhere my legs take me to, I just don't feel home.

I tried to find places where my mind and heart can take refuge but it's only found on my mobile phone. The place where I know I can find home is 7000Km away.

Everyday, I look up to the clouds wishing I was there for the winds to blow me home. Somewhere I really belong to.

I have it easy now. Much easier than alot of people that I don't know but feel for. The suffering that many people are going through. Why do we humans have to torture one another just so that we can live? Does living in some sick kind of way mean that we have to see someone else suffer or torture another human being so that we can continue with our own little insignificant lives?

We all know the problems of the world. Why do we still just leave it to someone else to do the job. Why can't all of us hold one another and solve the problems at hand. Starving children, gang violence, wars and crimes. What caused all this to even come around?

It's sad to see someone smiling nowadays. Because deep down inside, you know that the person is also hurting. It's just a mask we all put on to show the world that we are alright. But are we really?

Yes I cannot change the world. But at least I can do my part in helping others. Lets pass it on. Do a good deed everyday and ask that person you helped to pass it on to someone else.

Pondering Wonders

2008-09-24T12:30:00.003+08:00

Now it made me realize today that we are truly individualistic people.

There was a testing officer in school today. The student pilot was putting on sun screen on his face and the testing officer said that there was no point on applying the lotion. That you were gonna eventually die one day even if you applied sun screen or not.

He has a point. It made me think while I was having a cigarette in the living room.

Is the glass half full or half empty? Maybe the glass is just too big to contain the water.

We all know that we'll eventually die one day. No one lives forever. Not even mankind. Scientists have found out that each planet has its own gravitational pull. So does each solar system. Our solar systems is slowly but surely attracting another solar system in our galaxy. Thus the gravitational pull of our galaxy is also attracting another galaxy out there. So we're all on a suicide mission to begin with after the BIG BANG. To be amassed together once again and blow up once again in BIG BANG 2 The Sequel.

Just like how you'd love to go to heaven after you've lived your life here on this Earth. The promised land that religion promised everyone of us. But which one of us aren't afraid to die?

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself. What have you done today to make your life or another's life a little better. The past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift.

Are the charity drives for starving or disabled and advertisement of saving the Earth really a help to us? You'd most likely prefer to actually donate a retarded donation of $5 than sacrifice a weekend to help the poor and needy.

Is this how we're all brought up to be? It's as good as saying. I don't need any family members or friends. All I need is money to keep me company. Sure your $5 isn't going to go far. Hell your $5 wouldn't even get you near to Heaven's Gates.

It's easy for anyone to donate $5 and think of themselves as the King of The World. It's those people who volunteer out to help others in need that would never think of themselves as King's of The World.

Helping those in need would actually open your eyes and realize that no amount of money could ever suffice what is lacking in this desensitized world of ours. It's a plague that has blinded us.

Next time when someone asks you for a donation, think. Would that $5 do yourself and the world more good than harm?

All this world needs are heroes that would walk a minefield to save the people that are unknown to him/her.

This post is a tribute to all the people helping others in this world and expecting nothing in return. From the International Rescue Committee(IRC) to the Red Cross to the Fire Fighting Volunteers to the people running ONE.org to the individuals who drive their car to run errands for the charities or disabled.

No matter how small a part you play in the healing of the world, No one person can change the world. But you can surely make a difference.

The Heavy Weights

2008-09-21T23:13:00.002+08:00

This past 2 weeks, I've been feeling weary.

It's supposedly to be a great feeling when you fall in love. Yes I am feeling wonderful but there is a hidden sadness that is causing me to be weary and overly stressed about the situation at hand.

It is not healthy nor good for me.

I have pondered upon the problem that I have been facing. We got it all wrong. It was wrong right from the very start.

I have stressed myself about finishing fast. It cannot be helped if the weather is bad or if there isn't enough planes. By me getting frustrated as the days go by and setting a timeline for me to finish, I've stressed myself out.

I caused myself to bear all this weight and tried to be a hero. In the end it all buckled and shattered to pieces. I really thought it'd be easy but I again underestimated the situation and overestimated my abilities. The perfect recipe for utmost disappointment and disaster.

Especially when you have someone waiting for you, there is an immense pressure to finish what I'm doing in the most efficient time possible. I'm just afraid now that I might buckle under my own pressure.

It's doing me more harm than good. How am I supposed to tell her?

I must tell her soon. Tonight will be it.

It's better that I survive my training and see her than risk my own life and put the relationship in danger just to finish a little faster. The option that I'll be taking is obvious.

I'm about to break a promise. I can't help it. Too many hopes are upon my shoulders. I cannot screw this up.

I Just Smile...

2008-09-17T20:26:00.002+08:00

Well I'm kinda feeling lost today. Went to the gym again.

Gained 2KG in 9 days. Gonna buff myself up. For someone special and manhunt. But if the latter isn't permitted, I'd give it up.

I have not much to say today. Just have this blank mind.

Have a really sneaky suspicion that something is happening behind my back. I'm getting paranoid... Again.

Well this is a photo with the boys. The guy with the knife looks like he is the most harmless one. But that's not a happy smile. It's a psychotic smile.

Melody Of My Steps

2008-09-14T21:33:00.002+08:00

This would be my 200th post on this blog.

I remember the sad, happy, disappointing, angry and all other unmentioned emotions that I've written in this blog.

Tonight, I sit down in my room and traced back my footsteps.
With a cigarette in hand and fingers aching away typing furiously at the keyboard, I'm listening to the melody of my life.

I'm at peace with myself. I still feel the sadness that this world has. I hurt with the world. With every blink of my eye, a small little tear drains away.

The keys of the piano are ringing in my ears. Playing a sad tune for the world to hear. It's wonderful to be in this world. Though it can be heart wrenching to see hurting children, I'm going to be one that will try to save lives when I am able to.

The music still rings in my head. With every key that is played, I'm floating away into the vast ocean.

At the end of it all, I can only do what is within my limits. I can't change the world but I can surely do something for someone and make his/her life a better one.

When I see children suffering, I think about my past and realize that it wasn't that bad after all. I still emerged out of the problems. The hardships in my life gave me my charismatic eyes.

It all going to be alright. No matter what life throws at me, I have to pick myself up and continue on this journey. If I don't, no one will. Of course, my buddies back at home would always give me that supporting shoulder when I need them. I hope to do that for them one day.

I'm withering into a trance as the problem pile up. What can ever be worse?
The feeling of hope seeps into my veins as every key is played to make the perfect melody.
It makes my hair stand on ends.

For the path I've taken has been walked through many times by other people. No one is ever alone in this world.

If ever you feel alone, I will be the shoulder for you to lean on.
Now I caress the keys of the piano and play for you the gentle melody of my life.

Glimmer Of Hope

2008-09-10T20:56:00.002+08:00

Remember, remember the 9th of September.
Where broken hearts were mended once again.

I won't dwell too much on what happened. But we're back in business. Highly motivated. Driven.

Once I was suddenly cut loose, I was like a mad dog on a rampage. Not thinking and just lashing out at anyone who was in my path.

My owner let me go. Without a reason. Out of the blue.

Now, we're back. She promised to never let go again. Somehow this sense of insecurity still roams about my head. I'd just have to swallow hard and look forward to the future.

The future holds nothing but just the 2 of us.

It was a dark and lonely 26 hours. It felt as though hell hath unleashed its fury on Earth. My heart was aching and my body worn out.

Like a warrior in a battlefield, I sat in the middle of carnage. Lost. I shan't shed a tear for the fallen. Instead I stood tall and continued raging against my enemies.

At the end of this all, all that was left around me was death, misery, torture, pain, grief and hurt. Battered from the raging war within myself, a bright ray of hope pierced through the darkness and shed light that sent warm shivers down my spine.

It calmed my senses.

I feel innocent once again.

That ray of hope was love. Love that came from another side of the world.

I now lay down my sword and surrender myself to you. I'm vulnerable again.

Do whatever you please but just don't break this warriors heart. He has gone through enough.

The beast within him sleeps for now. Not knowing when it would awaken again.

I now rest. Peacefully. Only by her touch he falls into slumber like a child once again.

Hurts But...

2008-09-09T22:28:00.002+08:00

I have to do some things that will definitely hurt the other person.

It's hard to do it but I'm getting good at it.

That knife in the kitchen looks so good right now.

Breaking Free!

2008-09-07T14:28:00.002+08:00

People usually have this misconception that Pilots have it easy.

Little do they understand that the percentage of pilot fatalities are very high and that there is a high chance that you don't even get to finish your career.

Having to fly at least 300 people across vast oceans and knowing that you're responsible for everyone onboard your vessel puts immense pressure upon your shoulders.

There are so many accidents and crashes that aren't covered in the news which people are completely oblivious to.

That is why you always see pilots drinking and enjoying every moment of their life while they are firmly on the ground. The most dangerous phase of flying is the training part.

The worse part is, when we are going to crash, we have little time to even tell the people that mean alot to us that we love them. We'd be trying to not crash into civilians on the ground to minimise ground casualties. Be it whether we perish or not, we'll always try to protect yours.

It hit me hard last night when I was having a BBQ with the rest of the pilots. It made me realise that we are a very special and fragile breed of people.

I pray that the day where I'd have to crash never comes. But if it does, it would mean that I'd never have the time to say "I Love You" to the people that matters. So to prevent that from happening, I'm going to tell you how much I love you everyday.

I just beg that you don't ever leave me baby. Stay with me.

I can't give you any other reasons but just one. It's because I love you.

I just can't stop thinking about you girl.

Overcoming Fear

2008-09-04T19:19:00.003+08:00

It's so far been really good without even meeting the person that I've been fond of.

Though there are worries when I find out that someone else is fighting for her.

She has never felt me nor seen me.

Yes I rarely show emotions to many. Yet I'm comfortable around her.

It's not that I'm insecure. Why should I be? But it's the sense of losing something precious that gets to me.

I have what any other man has. I'm no different a man to a president, beggar, prisoner or preacher. Confident as I can be, when it comes to things like this, I'm no more than a helpless child without a mother.

Some people will definitely think that this is some crazy romantic script taken out from a Shakespearan play.

Days and nights go past. It's a heavenly connection that we have. Just like a porcelain vase, we're being moulded together. With the heat of love and passion, we're given our shape and with intricate strokes of paint, the end result is a beautiful piece of work. Though we're only getting through the phase of being moulded, an unlawful interference by an unskilled practioner of the art would definitely alter and destroy the base of the art piece. It's shape.

It's fear that goes through my mind which races through my veins battering this heart of mine.

I can't tell her this. It'll just be too stupid of me to even be thinking of this. But what can a man do to not think about a threat that exists to destroy something that he yearns for?

I've said that it doesn't bother me. Come to think about it, it is.

Saturday would be the day where my nightmare starts.

I know that you'll read this and probably be thinking that I'm stupid for having these thoughts. I cannot help it. For that I'm sorry for not being able to be any stronger than this.

The road that I walk now is a bumpy road that seems so far away. I know not what it holds for us. One day, it'll definitely bring me into your arms. I knew it would have to come to this point where I'd feel this day one day but I was brave enough to take the step forward.

Never regretted what I did and never will.

Never knew the day I dreaded most would come so soon.

If you read this, I just want you to send me a picture of you alone so that I can carry it when I fly. To remind me that I have at least someone special waiting.

Give me a chance to hold those hands at least if you even think about ending it all. Even if it's one out of a million chance that we'll work out, I'd still take that chance. Having a very slim chance at succeeding is better than having none at all.

Give the true meaning of love a chance to make the world envy us.

Cause with this, we will leave a legacy that will always be remembered, our love.

Today I say it once and I'll say it everyday like a pledge to say that I Love You. Even before we even met, Sayang.

I'm Alright

2008-09-02T11:04:00.002+08:00

Well last night one of my close friends whom I can call a 'brother' messaged me to cheer up and motivated me to finish my training here in Australia and quickly fuck off back to Singapore.

Well just a little update for my best and close friends who read this page, I am in fact in one of the happiest time of my life.

Though the family is breaking while I'm here, the happiness I feel still overshadows the sadness.

I won't disclose what is happening, but all I can say is that I'm happy the way I am now. I found a lady for myself. I won't disclose anything else. I can say that she has most of the attributes of a woman's character that I look for.

So worry not for me brothers. Cause I can take care of myself. Even if I can't care for myself, I'm obligated to do it still.

Happy... Sha la la la! Ok enough... This is so gay....

The Unexpected Outcome

2008-08-31T09:33:00.003+08:00

Looking at the photo to the left, without light shining at an angle, all you can see is a lens on top of a music book.

When the incident of light is shined at an angle with respect to the lens, you get an image like what's shown in the picture.

The events that unfolded from the whole drama in the past month has eventually turned out to be something different.

There was an unexpected twist in the story. Just like a Quentin Tarantino movie. Of course, just like all movies, the strongest man survived and saved the day.

Well it took some guts to direct that movie but someone had to do it. In the end, I'm enjoying the seeds of my work with a box office hit.

To many of you reading, it would seem like I'm blabbering nonsense. Even the actors in the movie would not understand what I am writing about because they are oblivious to the events. Only the selected couple understand will understand what message this entry is trying to say.

You can always salvage something good from a bad situation.

Look at the picture. The problems were caused by the music book and lens. I know it sounds dumb but I'm talking about it figuratively. Light was the solution.

When the solution was found, the outcome was love.

This post is quite jumbled up as my brain is not thinking straight. You know the feeling readers. I just really want to hide under my blanket, hide away in my own world and smile away.

Sleep has not been a problem for the past 3 days. So it's a sign that I've succumbered to something you normal people call... Falling.

So to days with more rainbows and butterflies she always said.

Tear Jerking Conversation

2008-08-27T20:07:00.002+08:00

I finally understand what I was worrying about. The 4 girls at home. My Mum and my 3 sisters.

The place I called home is broken now. I'm not there to absorb most of the shock and help them go through this painful period.

I finally received a call from my Mum today after trying to reach her for 1 week. She is as usual trying to be strong. I can hear from her voice that she is quite affected from this.

When the call came in and I started talking to my sisters and Mum, my heart eased up. I just wanted to know how they were doing I guess. It breaks my heart to hear that they are affected by the whole situation but still say that they are alright just to not let me worry when I'm here in Australia.

I just wanted to tell them to keep together when I'm not there. I'll see them someday and provide for them without the hassles of my step-father. I'll keep them under my arms no matter what happens. They are the only people left in my world and I promise that I'll work hard to see my youngest and younger sister through.

And it is apparent that I'm starting to feel tears well up in my eyes as I type. I guess I love them a lot. Just that I don't show it. If any of you ever stumble on this page, Abang just wants to say that he LOVES you too. I might never be able to say it to you face to face but that's the way I am. Just know that beneath the tough exterior, my heart breaks whenever I see you girls sad also.

Until we see each other again, I'd only be able to see them in my dreams.

Among The Stars

2008-08-26T17:22:00.002+08:00

Well I passed my Aeroplane General Knowledge exam today with an 80% score.

I'm well above cloud nine now. I'm right among the stars. But still I feel as though there is something amiss.

There are billions of stars. Just like the people in this world. But to find your nearest neighbour among the darkness of space, it takes light years to reach. I feel all alone even though I'm among many.

Hold on. I just felt my heart aching. It feels as though my world is crashing down on me again. There is a higher power that is allowing me to keep moving and living.

The more I stare at the stars, the further it seems to fade away. Just hoping that one day I'd be among the them.

I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I'm trying not to think about what the future holds but it worries me when I'm alone in my room and random thoughts just flood my mind.

It puts even more weight on my shoulders knowing that my family back at home is breaking apart as I type this post. The stars begin to fade away as each day passes. I feel lonelier as I grow older.

For the people who love, they hurt. For the people who hurt, they cry. No matter how hard I try to release my emotions, to scream or to just kneel down and break down into tears, something holds me up and prevents me from doing so. It's as though I'm supported by unknown entities surrounding me. Giving me a shoulder to rest on whenever I'm tired. Hugging me when I'm scared or feeling down. It's so sad that I have to resort to thinking that unseen entities exist so that I can feel better.

How much longer can I tolerate. If smiling signified sadness, I'm the happiest man alive.

God, if you can read this, I'm sorry that I cannot be stronger than this. I just want a sense of belonging to someone. If not someone, anything would do. My soul hath collapsed.

As I end this post, I've realised that all of the stars have faded away.

When The Cold Wind Blows...

2008-08-25T20:03:00.003+08:00

It's another day of mindless thoughts.

As usual I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I don't want the world to see me like this cause they will never understand what I feel.

There are millions of people in this world but why do I still feel so alone?

I cannot answer these questions by myself. It's bringing me down. I have an exam tomorrow and I'm still brooding over nonsensical topics such as this.

I have to make peace with myself that the past wasn't my fault. I blame myself for my buddies death. I should've seen it coming and prevented it. How could I be so sensitive and ignore him. If only... Just if only.

He'd want to be looking down from the heavens above to see that I'm a happy man. But sadly, I cannot do it. Not even for him. Yes I am LOYAL. I just cannot bear to fall in love and have the chance of ending up like him.

It's all about betrayal. Even with my own family. Why, Oh Why is this world like this. How did we all end up like this?

I'd end up alone and miserable when I'm old. That's what my friend told me about being a Pilot. You'd die old, miserable and alone.

Is it true? I sure hope not. How can I even overcome this obstacle of Philophobia, the fear of love. I've seen to many relationship turn sour. I'm brave to face knife wielding psychopaths and getting beaten to the ground. I smile at death's warrant. Still I cannot face love. Something that's beautiful and supposedly to be a good feeling.

I hope if I ever have kids, they won't have to go through all my pain and suffering. If they ever do, I would want to be next to them holding their hands and walking them through it.

Cruel world, please stop your punishment on the innocent.

I don't cry. My tears have dried. When I do, blood just trickles down my face. I've vowed to be a strong man to everyone. A symbol of hope through the hardships in life. A motivator. A fighter.

I cannot be selfish and seek happiness for only myself. Even if it means spending life alone, I'd be glorified if even Hell would accept me into its gates for the sins that I've done.

I'm just two steps away from self destruction. What's holding me back are the promises I've made to people. For my heavenly brother, I will do you proud. I'm a man now.

I will visit you when I return to Singapore. Remember that the melody of the brotherhood will be played throughout our lifes. We'll be remembered people. Memories of us will never die. I will show you that I too can love.

It's hard but I promised that I'd never give up. I'm torn and battered... But I still whistle our song.

Clenching My Fists...

2008-08-24T16:41:00.005+08:00

I just found out today that my parents were getting a divorce.

My Dad is cheating on my mum for a 25 year old colleague of his.

I'm grinding my teeth. The anger and hate from the deepest abyss of hell is felt in my heart... Again. I feel the cold hearted, cruel beast awakening in myself again. My hate for those who deceive others.

Should I open the gates of hell for you? Your life will be a neverending nightmare. I'd follow you for eternity even in your after-life, in hell to punish you for what you've done. You were unforgiving when you first laid hands on my mother, and I'd be unforgiving throughout your whole entire life.

If you happen to read this, I know who the woman is. I know every single detail about her. Her eye colour, her weight, her hair, where she likes to eat, which school she graduated from, her hobbies and even when she takes a shit at home. I've got eyes on you fucker. Even when I'm here in Australia I know what is going on.

Remember the day when you threatened me and said that you're a bad guy and that you have been around the block. You never noticed that I was unafraid of that sentence cause you were standing in front of a cold blooded murderer just waiting to watch you bleed on the tarmac when I get my chance. You didn't know which organisation you were fucking with my old man. You were breeding one of the worst kind of unforgiving people in your house. A sickeningly revengeful fucker who will take you down if you fuck with the people I love.

Arise the demons inside of me. You will feel the wrath of this demonic hellsing. I'd break and shatter you just like stone against glass. I am your walking death warrant.

Now, I'm just clenching my fists waiting to make you bleed. You will regret that you were ever born. We're watching you and your bitch.

The Protected

2008-08-23T17:27:00.003+08:00

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

That brings us to the topic of whether growing up under the arms of your parents being protected and shielded or growing up in the streets constantly exposed to danger is better for the development of our growing children.

Protected kids are mostly spoilt and usually fall back to their parents when they're faced with a problem. But I know a few individuals who are brave enough to tough it out on their own even though they know that their parents can catch their fall. These men and women in my life command my utmost respect.

Of course, people who have been struggling in their life and make it through have many stories and are much wiser than those that have been protected all their lifes. They become more of a people orientated person rather than a goal orientated one. The most successful ones are those that know how to balance their relationship with others and still have their goals in mind.

People who grew up having no one else to fall back on are no doubt stronger. But deep down inside those sunken eyes and wrinkles, they yearn to have a sense of belonging.

People who were shielded are more contented with their lives.

Are you those adventurous individuals or more of a fleeing coward when faced with a problem?

PROBLEMS.

They are sensitive issues. One can have not one but a few solutions to engaging a problem. Depends on whether you are an introvert or extrovert who is hot tempered or cool and collected.

There is not one person that I've met that has no problems in his/her life whatsoever. Problems continue to mount onto your shoulders as days pass by. Chronic or acute problems.

Whatever the case is, you are not judged by your failures but your ability to pick yourself up and continue moving on.

I've had my fair share of a hard life and problems. Just want my readers to know that we are all looking for that rainbow after the rain.

No matter where you've come from, you're never alone in this world. There are people worse off than yourself.

The scars that you've picked up from the tough battles in life are lessons learnt. If you're not killed by the problems that you face, it would only mean that you've emerged stronger than you were before.

Until I find my rainbow, I will be carrying you on shoulders. Life is too short to spend it all alone.

Undefined Definitions In A Definitely Defined World

2008-08-22T23:30:00.002+08:00

Love...

How is it defined in the Oxford dictionary? Longmans? Wikipedia?

How can anyone define the meaning of love?

I have yet to find that absolute pure meaning to love. An unconditional type where couples understand one another and can really say that the other special person is his/her best friend.

The first few weeks of a relationship, also known as the "Honey Moon" period, is always good with sunshine and rainbows.

After that period, you'd better find the courage to continue on that relationship. That's how society portrays loving another and being in a relationship is.

You'd have your arguments with your partner about the smallest issues. That doesn't matter with your good mates. You apparently argue more with your partner rather than your good mates and you call him/her your loved one.

Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.
When in love, first comes the ring then the suffer-RING. The 2 rings in love.

Just because of a tree, society has cut down the whole forest. That's how we're brought up nowadays.

Love, tragically, is not the only one involved. Religion has also been a victim of society. As soon as you say you are a MUSLIM, first thing that pops into your head is TERRORIST.

Don't say that you've never thought about that when you met a Muslim person. It's just basic courtesy that you don't blurt it out on the first time you meet that mother fucker. Come to think about it, society has also made you a victim. The worst part is, you're part of society and that there's no way you can run away from this or even not think about the propaganda that FOX or many government channels have fed to us.

They've set our minds to think that. Muslims = Terrorist. Love = Suffering.

We have lost all our powers in our life. What we have now are small little hollow non-existent places called Cyberspace. Soon, that freedom of information on the internet would be limited and people like me would be called criminals and end up of the FBI and CIA list of MOST WANTED.

America has been a symbol of freedom. Freedom of information. Do you really think so? This war so far, I've seen is killing 3 birds with 1 stone. To conquer oil, show of military supremacy and to finish George W. Bush's vendetta with Saddam Hussein. To finish the war that his father started. Kick started by demolishing World Trade Centre. Causing the Muslims to be nothing but just collateral damage.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no pro Muslim writer nor am I an American hater. If you're a Muslim, you'll understand what I'm talking about. If you're an American, you'd either open your eyes and realize or you can choose option 2. To start typing abusive comments in my blog.

Whichever option you choose, you made the right choice. Cause society already predetermined what you should choose to do.

Scars Are For Life...

2008-08-22T23:26:00.002+08:00

Well no updates for the past few weeks as my internet connection was down as I didn't pay the bill. Yes. The bill.

This thought has been pondering in my mind. What makes a good man?

Is it the good advice that he gives from his experience and wisdom from his life?

Is it those charismatic eyes that shows that he's been to hell and back and lived to show others?

Or is it the sugar coated lies to make himself sound and look good to ultimately be worshipped by other men and loved by women?

I won't want to be the latter.

Deception.

We all have been deceived by others and even ourselves. Like it or not, when you crash your car or encounter a problem and tell yourself that it's not bad and that you're probably exaggerating about the situation, that is deception in it's purest form. You deceive yourself and desensitize the feeling of deception as soon as you start facing your first major problem and try to approach the problem from a cognitive point of view. Mind over matter those psychologists say. Why don't you just call yourself a liar rather than sprinkle it with some fairy coated dust called lies.

Why do we categorize lies? White lies? Ultimately, it's still under the same category as lies. Just like Tomato Ketchup in your grocery store. It's racked neatly in the sauces section and you have different brands of ketchup. From your world reknowned Heinz to the least known ABC and the one asians love, Ayam Brand. God damn it! It's still Tomato sauce whether you buy Heinz, ABC or Ayam brand.

Why don't people stop deceiving one another. Wouldn't the world be a much peaceful and better place if you just be frank to yourself and others without having to deceive the people whom you call friends and family? Or maybe filling out your resume with some bogus activity that you've never done before.

Then again, I don't blame society for deceiving themselves and others. It's the way we humans are wired. Seeking for a better self, moving towards perfection which caused us to be deceitful. To make ourselves feel better just cause we can't be perfect.

Don't you bastards realize? There are two ways you can look at this problem.

1... You can't be perfect. Why? God created humans to be imperfect and that's why we are guided by religion and protected by laws. So if you're ever perfect, you defy the teachings of your religion.

2... You are already perfect the day you were born. You'd never make peace with yourself if you ever seek the standard of "PERFECTION" that society has created.

Take a look at others around you and see how beautiful and perfect you are.

I Thought It Would Be Easy

2008-08-11T20:45:00.005+08:00

It's another day of mixed emotions and thoughts.

This is the only source that I can actually be true to and express my real thoughts and feelings without hurting anyone or even thinking about what others will think should I say anything that would make them feel unpleasant.

The feeling is going beyond my control.

The problem is, I don't know what I'm feeling right now. It's a state of depression where I cannot find the root of my problems. Yet the heart hurts and it breaks me from inside out.

I really wished that I had someone that isn't with me now to talk to. He was the one who really understood me and knows why I'd make a decision whether it was bad or good.

I am the pillar of strength. Sometimes it can be really lonely and hard to be the pillar of strength. You're put through the harshest environments life has to offer and still have to stand strong and tall to support the ones who look up to you for support. Strong as I may seem but the steel cables within my concrete soul are buckling under these immense pressure from so many sources.

Thought that I'm really better off on my own. Think that all I want is someone to really show me affection.

Growing up to be a man I am today isn't the easiest part of my life. I never looked back. Until today I feel the emptiness in my life. The hollowness of life without love.

When would be the day when a woman would come to me and embrace me in her arms. This life is so empty. I can achieve anything that I put my mind to. But I'm dying to have someone to share this life with. Someone who will be my best friend and love me the way I am.

I tell every person that I'm not a good person. This is how real, life, can get for me.

I thank the heavens for making me luckier than most. I blame myself for not being able to be loved or to love another. It's a curse that comes with the ability to be successful in pretty much everything I do.

I've always strived to always be the best. That was the only way to prove myself that although I came from a very humble background, I can beat anyone that has been fed with a silver spoon. But is this what I'm really yearning for?

I have to rid of all these negative thoughts. For now, I'm just a symbol of strength to others. Overlooking the horizon and heavens waiting.

Once Broken Flyboy

2008-07-14T19:40:00.003+08:00

Wise men come and go,
What makes them so?
Is it the hardened face and charismatic eyes?

I don't know as I sit here facing the wind and warm sun,
Wondering when it will be my time to be done.
The touch of the wind against my chest,
My mind is all but a mess.

Blistering through the skies,
Forgetting all your lies.
Everyone feels rain against their body,
It's the tears I've cried for you baby.

The times we had were one that I will cherish,
When I think about it, It's just rubbish.
My heart's breaking from inside,
Don't tear but my eyes won't abide.

If I could hold you again for just one more day,
I would walk away from it to my own dismay.
You've hurt me once before,
You ain't gonna hurt me no more.

I was born screaming and shouting,
Happy I was while I was growing.
Till I met a certain person which was you,
Now I regret ever being due.

The pain you put me through,
All done by you.

Now I smile every night,
That you were so right.
For leaving me when I needed you most.
I became stronger and I rose.

So now I thank you for what you've done,
Cause now I'm number one.
But if I could ever once again hold your hand,
You'd believe that I am your man.

I'm Never Enough

2008-07-14T19:16:00.003+08:00

This is a photo of Yohan @ Yo The Pro. Reminds me of a yo-yo brand named ProYo. One of the peeps that's close to me. Great guy. He's one of those that you keep till you meet your bitter end. I'd give my left nutsack for him.

It's one of those days again where I'm feeling down. Don't know what's overcoming my mind. My state of mind has constantly been deteriorating ever since I stepped into this beautiful country.

It gets lonely sometimes. Only sometimes. Is it just me?

I put on a happy mask on just to show my other mates that I'm always alright. We as men cannot let little insignificant hurdles in life slow us down to our main goals. That's what I'm trying to show.

Just like war, we're constantly battling ourselves to stay in a state of sanity. Only to always sit down late at night thinking about the past. I always tell the rest of the boys to stay strong and stare at even the scariest thought like death and smile at it. Go fix your problems no matter how complicated it is with a simple solution.

This war I'm fighting within is a non-existent enitity. I don't know what I'm up against. I cannot fix it.

Last night was another night where I had the feel of another woman once again. In quite some time. A sincere hug and kiss. Innocent and pure it was. A touch of a woman. Her subtle soft skin and tender lips.

The more I think about it, the deeper I dig myself in my own trench to keep me safe from the outside world. What I fear is that all that I'm doing is actually digging myself a grave and not a trench.

My flatmate realised that I wasn't eating alot. He realised that. I wonder what else people realised about me that I haven't realised yet.

If only I could forget the past. For just one day. To be the ignorant kid I was before. Like a newborn before opening his eyes to the cruel world.

I'm breaking from inside out.

God help me save me from myself.

Why Do We Even Ask or Answer?

2008-07-08T22:15:00.002+08:00

This is another sad day. Maybe it was the rain that kept pouring throughout the night. Maybe it's the stress that is overpowering my train of thoughts.

Pictures of the past keep pouring into my head.

I am a person that can take quite alot of hits and still get back up on his feet and walk. But it just seems that I'm getting weaker and weaker by the day. I promised myself that I'll never let emotions decide for me or even get the better of me. But those were the days when I walked the streets. Now that I'm back into the "normal" society, I feel like I've put my guard down and allowed emotions to control me.

One of the hates of the "normal" society, someone just drops by and asks "How you going?" and you reply "Alright". Do you really think that person really gives a shit? Do you really mean what you replied to him? How pretentious can we human mother fuckers be? Does that person asking even listen to the reply?

I've got to revert to my old self. It's for my own good. I have to be cold.

I swear upon my dead body that this roll of tear trickling down my hardened imperfect face will be the last that this world will ever get.

Cause I know I cannot stop loving her. But I must. Let the stars cry their darkest tears tonight.

Energy and My Spirit Are The 2 Things That Can Never Be Destroyed.

2008-06-29T00:01:00.004+08:00

Here's the post for the week.

I practically started the week badly and it was bad throughout. On Monday, my flight was miraculously brought forward from 1400 Hours to 1100Hours. Revising through my work at home, I received a call from the school at 1120 Hours, after my planned flight time, saying that I was booked in. Nevertheless, I kept my cool and continued on in school to revise and read up on the Operations Manual. Hmm... It was a good idea. Considering the fact that now, I'm more informed about the company policies.

On Thursday, we had quite an interestingly scintillating experience on the Airfield. Went for an outing to the parking area where the planes were situated to look at the different designs of aircraft that manufacturers had to offer.

Again, dumb founded by the magnificient beauty and sleek design of the Cirrus aircraft and the capability of a little egg looking plane, the Jabiru.

4 of my classmates and I, namely Sultan "Sulty", Yohan the Pro, Kristan "V", Kevin and I, went to find a shady spot near the runways, which was SAFE, I have to emphasize the word safe, to look at some crosswind circuits and look at the different type of aeroplanes landing and taking off.

Barely 3 minutes into it, a guy pulls up on a truck and relayed a message which goes like this.

"Hey boys, I've got instructions from Archerfield tower from India Sierra Echo(Callsign of aircraft belonging to Royal Queensland Aero Club) that you guys should PISS OFF and return to your classroom. Sorry guys. I'm just relaying a msg."

I said thank you and wished him a good afternoon. The group of us promptly left. Though I was pissed of at the way we were told to move off, I kept cool and walked towards ISE which was parked just 500 Metres from where we were.

Being a responsible person, I rocked up to him and told him politely that we did have permission from our Ground Instructor to be out of the classroom and that we are doing this on our break time. He didn't quite want to listen and kept mouthing off. I was about to blow my top. Quicker than a blink of an eye, after he finished his sentence, I said to the guys, "Let's bounce guys".

He mouthed off again. "You'd be lucky if you were even flying with me!"

I mean who the hell do you think you are? The god of flying? What makes you think that you are so great coming to be instructor from Cathay Pacific. An unshaven hooligan looking man who has no respect for even himself?

For god's sake, he was a Second Officer in Cathay Pacific which doesn't mean much in the Airlines. It's like being a private in the army. He didn't get promoted for quite some time and so he left the company. He must be really lousy to stall his promotion that long.

Anyway, as we were walking back he taxied the plane to Airline Academy just to find me and have a mouth off at me once again. We exchanged words and he said to me "You'll never end up in the airlines."

Yeah I'll never end up in the airlines with you as my instructor.

Anyway, after all that, I had a talk with the Business Coordinator. She called the Chief Pilot, Chief Flying Instructor and Chief Executive Officer to have a talk with this guy after telling her what had happened.

Everyone gave me a pat on my back for standing up to him and getting him screwed just before his weekend started to spoil his weekend. But I didn't feel happy. In fact, I feel disappointed.

He was a Second Officer and was forced to work as an instructor. Imagine how frustrated his students are. He must lead a very sad life. A disappointing one. Where the only way he can move up is by discouraging other promising Airline Pilots.

Anyway, the problem is resolved. Until today, I still know that what I did was right. A true blue airline pilot who uses his quick wits and the faults of the aggressor against him. Unlike an unprofessional dead weight who loses his temper and disrespects himself.

Now, it's time to go to bed. Sorry for not uploading any pictures. My laptop has no bluetooth device so I can't upload it yet. So drop in regularly for updates.

Missed The Plane...

2008-06-23T18:28:00.002+08:00

Don't feel like writing much today. Started the first day of the working week badly.

This picture was taken during Shaymi's girlfriend's party at our new house. Also considered our house warming party. From left to right, Cadet Pilot Matt, Shaymi, Enis, Me, Sahud, Abraham and Nick.

This party also coincided with our pass in our exam. A party to celebrate each step of our achievements and glad to still be still alive till now.

We have a music video for the cadets at Airline Academy. To get a video forwarded to you, please leave a comment and your e-mail address.

This party was a responsible one. All cars had designated drivers for all the 30 people that attended it. Sponsored by XXXX Gold beer and Absolut Vodka. Free flow alcohol all night long. Music by Dj Mad Mat.

A Man I'll Never Be. If Tears Make You Look Good, Then God Damn! I'm The Best Looking Man Alive.

2008-06-21T21:39:00.003+08:00

Well here's an update. Been feeling down recently.

Guess that I really miss the times me and her had. Thinking about the past and how we'd laugh and smile. How she treated me like I'm her man. I loved the way she treated me the way I am.

It's good that we broke. I'll never be the man you wanted me to be. You'll never know just how hard I tried. So I wished that I could hold you a little longer. Would you give me that one last request when we meet one another?

Like a wind blowing in your hair, I'll always be around but you'll never see me. Just a physical feeling. Nothing more. If I told you what's on my mind, would you hold it against me? I cannot get any stronger. I cannot climb any higher.

All I ever wanted was for someone to listen to what I've to say. Know what I'm feeling, cool me down when I'm angry and kiss me goodnight.

I miss her even more when I see my flatmate kissing his girl goodnight everynight. This is not helping. I just can't help this feeling. I made it seem like it was easy to break up. Maybe one day you'll stumble on this blog and see that it was more painful for me to say that I don't love you. Being a man, it's much better for me to take the pain. I see it was easier for you to say goodbye. Emotions will tear me apart from inside. A deadly plague running through my veins.

If only one day you'd see me and tell me that you're proud of me and hold my hands once again knowing that I'll never be the man you want me to be.

Well there's a little emo post.

The picture above was taken on the M1 Pacific Motorway coming back from the Gold Coast just before a Thunderstorm.

I'm just a wandering pilot trying to find home.

Meteorology Exam... Passed.

2008-06-18T16:58:00.003+08:00

Well today was quite an eventful day. Went for the exam for Commercial Meteorology, passed it with a very disappointing mark.

Well on to the next subject. Aerodynamics. Physics. My forte. Just gonna act dumb in class and score for the exam.

Started aerodynamics today right after the exam. No break. Just keep surging forward. We only rest when we're 6 feet under.

Anyway, after school, my flatmate who is also training with me couldn't get his car to start. We caused quite a scene outside the aerodrome. Hahaha! We only got home 3 hours later. We were stuck in the freezing winter rain for 2 hours before another flat mate of mine picked us up.

Came back home and started looking through my new textbook. I just can't fall behind. Gotta keep working harder. Tomorrow will be the last day of ground school for the week and back to flying on Friday!

Waiting for crosswinds to appear gets really frustrating sometimes. When you need crosswinds, it doesn't appear. When you don't need it, heaps of it appears. This is so gay.

I just figured that I just want somebody to love. I don't even see the good or bad of the person I'm loving. I just want to fall in love with someone. That's dangerous man. I gotta be a man and chase for the best woman out there. A trophy wife! Yes that's what I need. Gonna chase the dream of a successful man. Not money. But happiness and contentment. The trophy wife is just icing on the cake to make it known that I've completed my life goals. Hahaha! Enough blabbering already.

Well gotta get back to my text now. Above is a picture of Archerfield. Picture was taken abeam runways 28L landing threshold. Well close to anyways.

Meteorology Exam ATA 2300 Zulu

2008-06-17T22:40:00.002+08:00

Man I'm all psyched up for the Meteorology exam. Can't say that I've studied alot. But I'm too smart to even fail this exam. From Altostratus to South east trade winds and El Nino, I'm ready. Gonna hit the exams hall and pass it with flying colours.

Didn't do much today beside heading down to the Gold Coast. Still sick. Damn it. When is my body gonna give me a break from all these nonsense?

Well above is another picture taken in Australia. Can't remember where this is but it's a nice one. Oh yeah it's in the eastern training area. Jumpinpin! North of Surfers Paradise.

Struck By Cold Fronts

2008-06-16T22:12:00.002+08:00

Really tired and worn out today. Been sick for 3 weeks and still not recovering.

Thank god today, my sponsors called saying that the cheque would be sent on Sunday.

My step dad called to ask how I was. Really unlikely of him to do that. Well I guess that deep inside he really cares.

Went to school today to revise for my meteorology exam. Which is in 2 days time. My first commercial subject. I guess that's why I'm really freaking out. Went for a flight today for VOR and NDB intercepts. No planning just smack and bang out to the skies like jets scrambling to save a country. Figured that I did pretty well. It was mostly done under the "hood". Which means, no visual cues from the outside world and solely just flying with your basic instruments.

On the way in, the tower gave me so many instructions, I was dumb founded. I was stunned at the amount of information he was trying to get through my thick skull. Wanted to tell him to shut up.

On finals, everything was sweet. Going a little fast, no problem. Engine idle and flare!!! My wheels touch the tarmac instantaneously. Fit for a F-111 on a touch and go. Boy did I really feel like a jet fighter pilot. Just that I'm traveling really really slow. Hahaha!

My "brother" as I call him, a very close friend who'd chop off his arm for me, called to ask me about the break up with my girlfriend. I told him that it was alright. Everything should be alright. Right? Well that was how I was feeling then. But now after thinking about it, I really do miss her. Why? I don't know. Are flyboys supposed to be the playboy material that everyone thinks and portrays them to be? Are we not supposed to feel? Put up a fake smile and say everything's alright? I don't know. But that's what I've to be I guess. A stone cold person just happy to have both feet firmly on the ground and thanking his lucky stars to be alive.

What am I supposed to feel? Am I even supposed to feel anything. Now that I'm confused with my feelings and my exams, I'm gonna shove all that feelings aside and concentrate on the things at hand. That is my exams. I won't be able to provide for anyone if I even fail this exam. I can't afford to. I'm too smart for that. I know it.

I'm just gonna sign off now. Got ground school in about 8 hours exactly. Gotta get my rest. But somehow, I just can't sleep these few days. I need closure with her. I gotta tell her that I still love her but cannot provide for her now. So maybe she'd find a sucker for awhile until I can finally take her and her mum under my wings and provide for them and give them a life that will last forever. Even though after death it'll be just a memory, it'll be the best memory. A fully functional family. For just the rest of my life. Just a feeling family. If only just for awhile.

First Time After A Long While

2008-06-15T12:05:00.006+08:00

Well well well... Look who is back... It's Me! Hahaha!

Well just thought that I continued this blog. This blog has me from being a broken hearted boy, watching his girl leave him and best friend die to me being an airline pilot. It's me in a nutshell. Not forgetting the in between. Like National Service and being a Sous Chef. But if I wrote all that down, there's no point meeting up with my friends and telling them about what I went through recently. This page website features the ups and downs, my thoughts and feelings whilst progressing towards being an airline pilot. Basically, a pilot's charismatic life.

Well my Commercial Meteorology exam is coming up on Wednesday. I've been sick for the past 2 weeks. Attendance at school hasn't been all that perfect. My body is just degrading and I feel lousy. It's not that I don't want to attend school, it's just that it's quite impossible.

Tried calling the Academy at 5.40am in the morning but no one answered. Just wanted to tell them that I wasn't going to turn up for flights. Sigh...

Been trying to study my meteorology but nothing is going in. I guess I'm just disturbed by the fact that my sponsors might be screwing me over for the course payments. That's what you get for having an irresponsible sponsor.

My advice when looking for a sponsor to provide for your airline cost, choose a responsible one.

Other than flying, my social life itself has gone down to pieces. I stay online all the time hoping to even catch anyone of my friends just to chat with them. It's just too lonely here in down under. The friends you have here are not the same as the ones you grew up with. They're much more calculative here. Sigh. Don't even know when I can go back to Singapore. I sure hope that it would be earlier. Another one of my friend and also flat mate, Shaymi, transferred to a rival school, AV8. Looks like they are piling him up with flights. Don't really know whether it is beneficial for him or not. I wonder if he is learning anything. Or is he flying just for the sake of getting the course over and not actually absorbing any of the lessons.

I worry for the whole world. I worry about everything. I guess that's just my nature. I worry to the point where wrinkles start appearing on my face. Hahaha! I guess I look like a 30 year old male pilot. Everyone in school thinks I'm older than my actual age. They say I look and act more mature than a 23 year old. You must be kidding me.

Well on top is a recent picture taken just 3 days ago. That's me next to a... Still haven't figured out what plane that is. But she is a beauty. From listening to other people talk, also known as eavesdropping, I heard it belongs to an outback farmer who comes into Archerfield just to get supplies and head back to his farm. He must be one rich guy to afford this plane. And on the inside of the plane, it's fit for a Multi-Million Dollar business man. Salute to this humble farmer! If you ever need a pilot for your turbine, drop me a line.

Shattered Dreams and Broken Hearts

2007-05-15T01:24:00.000+08:00

Broken…Here I am on my knees. Living with my broken heart. My mistake was believing that someone would be here with open arms to catch me as I fell. Instead I hit the floor shattering into a thousand pieces of nothingness. Where were you when I needed you most?

I look back and I see that I changed who I was. I thought I needed to be something different. Something that you would be proud of. I’m not going to lie to myself and say it is entirely your fault. Because that wouldn’t be true. I changed willingly over time. I thought I had to change who I was. I thought in doing so that it would bring you closer to me. I thought that maybe then you would take notice of how much I’ve grown up. And maybe then you would put your arms around me, holding me in that warm embrace. The one that makes me feel safe. Didn’t you ever ask yourself why I hugged you so much? Why the affection? Did you believe that I did it just for attention? Or to be playful? Because I will tell you now that those weren’t the reasons behind it. I did it because I wanted you to hug me back. Because you we’re one of the very few that I ever felt safe with.

You looked in all the wrong places for the answers to why I did it. You over thought it, looking for a deeper meaning that wasn’t there. The answer was staring you in the face. You don’t know how many times I wanted to run to you. To ask you to hold me. There was so many times I wanted to call you, as I sat there crying. Overwhelmed and alone. Needing someone there. To have someone wrapping there arms around me and telling me that I didn’t have to go at it alone. When those times descended upon me. My thoughts turned to you. I would reach for my phone, opening my phone book and looking at your name. My thumb hesitating over the send button. But I never could do it. I couldn’t find the courage to call you. I guess a part of me always knew that you wouldn’t catch me. I could call you when I didn’t need you. I know I should have had others I could go to. You tried to tell me about how others cared for me and that I should try to talk to them when I had problems. But how could you expect me to go to others?

I was never like you. I couldn’t simply just talk to anyone about anything. I’m reserved and quiet. That I trusted you so much should have told you something right there. That you became important to me. That I could love you so much without being in love with you, should have told you everything you needed to know. Every time I fell I looked towards you for direction. In my heart I sat there with open arms, waiting for someone to embrace me. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I found the pain of being alone becoming unbearable. It was a force that was crushing my heart. Can you see now what you mean to me?

I hug myself. Because there is no one else to do it. I grew up feeling alone, being the odd man out. I started craving attention. I wanted others to see that I lived. I wanted people to take notice that I existed. I waited and waited to see if there would be someone who would look upon me. But when the people who did pay attention to me decided I was a tool for their amusement. I felt a sense of despair welling up inside of me. I looked at the world and saw no beauty. Instead I saw people who would hurt others for their own personal gains.

The world stared back and I could only find myself saying “Fuck you!” if this is how it was going to be I decided I didn’t need anyone.

Hate

2007-05-01T21:38:00.000+08:00

JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE!

Overwhelming!

2007-04-05T06:13:00.000+08:00

The overwhelming smell of iron blankets my hands. It sends quivers down my spine and arouses my phallical demon.

No doubt. He has been awoken.

Today I train. Tomorrow I train. For life I TRAIN. So that I can punish you for the wrong that you've done. Judgement isn't dished out by Satan, Heaven, Hell Or the coward God!

In this lifetime, it's ruled out by me.

It's time you looked over your shoulder when you're shopping. It's time you feared every moment of life itself. It's time you dig yourself a six feet hole to rest in pieces.

Sleepness nights are well on the way. Constant fear surrounds your every move. Like a prey, every move you make shall be watched by a beast. Waiting and lusting for the blood.

Savour your last breath. For tonight, I make love to your open wound.

Ahh... The sweetness...

Running To Where These Heavenly Legs Take Me To...

2007-04-04T04:22:00.000+08:00

My heart fills with adrenaline. My blood pumps with excitement. The music rings in my ears. Just like a mating call, the road calls out to me.

Just my Nike Free, I-Pod and the road.

My heart pounds as every orgasmic step I take my legs scream for more. They tell me not to stop till I reach the climax!

I ended up at Vivo City... How the hell did I end up there?

That was just round one. I could feel the moisture building up in my socks. Just like my lover's, it call outs to make love to it. How can I reject such an offer? One more round to get back home.

One leg after another. My legs they now scream for me to stop. Like a woman who's satisfied and sore. I can't. I'm not home. So I torture them till I reached home.

Hot and dripping wet from the ordeal, I've climaxed and helplessly cling on to my gates for support. Both throbbing from satisfaction, I take my Nike of my feet.

From home to Vivo City and Vivo City back home.

Now to satisfy my phallus. I've been neglecting it. Come here for love big boy. My right hand whispered.

I woke up the next day screaming. My legs hurt so bad. It was like some drunken ape raped both my legs.

Tired and sore, both yearn to make love to the endless road again.

I'm not being biased against women... SERIOUSLY!

2007-04-04T03:35:00.000+08:00

How to use an ATM Machine

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Wind up window

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book

19. Re-check make-up again

20. Drive forward two metres

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided

24. Re-check make-up

25. Re-start stalled engine and move off

26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles

27. Release hand brake

Why Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Hell...

2007-04-04T03:24:00.000+08:00

Great Reasons to be a Guy

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Guess who's Back! Back Again. Bad Boy's Back!!!

2007-04-02T19:03:00.000+08:00

Through the Hard Times

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side ...

You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck ".

Nobody knows it but me...

2007-04-01T04:11:00.000+08:00

After all these years

It seems as though

My heart must have

No feelings at all

Day by day

Hour by hour

It’s not long now

Till my hearts of stone

The day when I’ll lose it all ain’t too far off

And in the void will be all my feelings

To turn around and love no one

It's the only chance I may have

And turn slowly into what I feared for so long

Day by day

Hour by hour

It’s not long now

Till my hearts of stone

Now to turn into what I fear most

But there is no hope of salvation

At last I’m what I always should be

Now at last I’m a lone wolf

Day by day

Hour by hour

It’s not long now

Till my hearts of stone

Look out now here I come.

I drank my sorrow away today. Nothing beats alone time with a bottle of whiskey, cigarettes and the full moon. Nothing can take that away from me.

No one knows what it is like. Not until you're gone forever will they appreciate you. Life's starting to get meaningless again. Let me be forgotten.

Just as promised... I throw away my emotions tonight. My feelings. My heart is of stone. No one can hurt me. I fear nothing. Not even the majestic entity whom you creatures call God. I will be the judge of me.

Digression some people might call it. I'm just looking for the "Best Place". Where all can be merry. If I have nothing to care for, I have nothing to lose. If I have nothing to lose, I have nothing to fear.

Fear is for the weak. Fear is what keeps you alive. I gladly welcome death... I smile at you.

Love is something I cannot afford. Love is the slowest most painful form of suicide.

Don't cry or be sad for me. Celebrate... For you know that this is the man that can and will achieve greatness in this life.

Though I will not show emotions, I'm telling those that I care for, I'll always love you. To my death. For Loyalty is not only inked on my skin, it's engraved deep in my heart. Something that was always there. Just that you couldn't see it.

If you believe in God, you'll believe what I say. You cannot see him but you believe in him. I don't show affection but know that I still love you.

I will always LOVE YOU.

I end this post with the last tears of hurt, pain and sorrow. They burn my cheeks.

To my Family, To my Homies, To the Queen Of My Heart and to those unmentioned.

Ahmad will always love you.

Tag...

2007-03-31T20:02:00.000+08:00

"This is what you are supposed to cut and paste if you decide to participate in the tagging game.. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things about themselves as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog."

One (Cut A Hole In The Box)

I get an erection looking at myself in the mirror when I wake up.

Two (Put Your Junk In That Box)

Out of 40+ sexual disorders, I have 24 of them.

Three (Make Her Open The Box)

I can only shit at home. It's also a habit to always smoke while shitting.

Four (That's The Way You Do It)

I love to stretch my scrotum and show it to my friends. It's called a bat wing. Call them a faggot, then give them 3 kicks on their asses.

Five (Christmas... Dick In A Box)

I'm horny 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Six (Number Of The Beast)

I fantasize about death sometimes. Makes me feel more alive.

There! I did it! It took me a whole damn five minutes to think about what I wanted to write. Ok now to come up with 6 names...

I Tag... Republic of Singapore President S R Nathan, Minister Mentor Lee Kwan Yew, President Of The United States George W. Bush, Reknowned Terrorist Osama Bin Laden, Jack Ass Stunt Man Mr. Chris Pontius and lastly but not least The Ruler And Almighty Ruler Of Hell Satan.

Well... That should make my blog hits go through the roof!

I hope I don't survive.

2007-03-30T07:04:00.000+08:00

Dear All,

First of all you need to know that this is not your fault,

It's mine, for I locked my problem inside me like a vault,

Problems that I was never able to tell you,

Problems that I'm sick of dealing with. I'm through.

I'm sick of pretending that everything's alright,

I'm sick of having all these emotional demons to fight.

I can't take my depressing life anymore,

I realize I felt this way too often before.

I now know I'm not needed in this place,

Just another stupid guy, just another ugly face.

I can tell I'm secretly hated by everyone I know,

Though, when I'm around, they don't let their hatred show.

My life has no purpose as I can clearly see,

No one needs me and everyone hates me

I hate this world I live in, I hate how I feel now.

I try so hard to be accepted, but I don't know how.

I'm ending my life, my wrists I will cut.

I want you to know, that I really do love you,

But I hate my life too much, this is the only thing to do.

Suicide's the perfect escape for my problems to go away,

I don't think anyone will miss me, anyway.

Maybe, somewhere there's someone who loves me

But I couldn't find them soon enough so now I must flee.

Maybe, my life's not that bad, maybe this is all in my head.

But it's too late to tell me that, by the time you find this I'll be dead.

I'm sorry it has to end this way,

I'm sorry if you cry,

But I think this world will be better off,

If I die..Goodbye.

PS:I'm sorry I had all this depression to hide,If you want to see me, you'll find my body outside.

Pulling the trigger...

2007-03-30T06:59:00.000+08:00

This is a poem to no one
But to the world

Where is life and love,
When there is so much pain?
You know of what I speak.
The endless lines and rhymes
Scribbled by desperate souls
Such as you,
Such as I,
Seeking, searching, praying
For what else but freedom.
But that freedom you fool
Is the illusion.

Could you ever see why?
Why pain is the chain
That weighs our souls down.
Why freedom is nothing more
Than the walls of our prison.
You may break free of none
And live a simple life
But I no longer can.

And still, and still I’m trapped.
I’ve clawed at these tiled walls
All these many years.
Now my bloody fingertips
No longer feel the salty tears
As I wipe them across my face.

So you see my unfortunate friend
The walls are my flesh
And the chain, my lonely thoughts.
No matter how deep I dig and tear
No matter how much crimson tape I bled
These very walls,
My tortured soul could not have fled,
Are damned.

So this night my tired feet will float
In a porcelain pool drawn
With the tears of a polluted world.
As my prison floods this very hour
My fractured body will drown
Tonight like a crushed flower.

Say Hello To The New Old Me

2007-03-30T04:52:00.000+08:00

You've stabbed me and left me to bleed,

for the crows to feed.

Burn me till I am no more,

You've set me free,

Cause now I'm reborned.

Now I feel empty and cold,

I am in darkness.

I have nothing to lose,

I am not scared.

When you have nothing to lose,

you have nothing to care for.

When you have no fear,

you have nothing to lose.

It is a bad thing to be scared,

It is wrong to have something to lose.

It means you have something to hold,

It means you have something to care for.

I was reborn because of her,

I now feel no emotion.

I feel cold where I was once cold,

I feel happy to know that now I'm dead.

I just came back from "work". I feel lost. The smell of iron on my hands is overwhelming. The blood... The violence... The screams of pain... The satisfaction...

Yes he is back. The insensitive creature that was once part of me. I can feel him. What a great time to come back. I need that emotionless man to save me from the pain that I'm going through. No one else can. This blog would be the only place where I pour out my emotions.

Hey homies, if you read this blog, don't blame me for being insensitive and fucked up. I shall meditate and call him back to protect me once again. The chains that bound me once before aren't here. I'm free to roam and unleash hell on earth.

It's a pain too unbearable to take. If you love me, you'd understand. You know that deep inside the insensitive asshole I will still care for you.

You're not here for me to love no more. It's all hopeless.

An accident. That's what it'll be. I didn't end my life.

You don't know what it's like. I hope that you'll never have to feel what I feel. This, I wish for everyone that I hold dear to me. I'm glad you broke my heart.

You'd always be my baby girl. I'm so proud of you. I talk about you all the time. Even when the new day starts and I say goodbye to myself, know that I always loved you.

Why does someone always have to die before they realise how much he loves her?

I gladly sacrifice.

Goodbye cruel world. REBORNED!

Now to meditate and welcome the REAL ME....

Unstoppable

2007-03-27T05:31:00.000+08:00

There's only so much you can do to tell that person how much you actually love her. How much she actually means to you. How it makes you smile everytime she does something silly. How the world stops when you look into her eyes. How her smell still lingers when she leaves.

I guess that when it all falls apart, you scurry to pick up the pieces. Knowing that destroying is easier than building, you continue hoping that the foundations you laid were strong enough to withstand the elements.

I'm losing it. I have to say that I've never been this depressed before. I feel like I have nothing. True that my dreams are becoming reality but I just feel really hollow inside. I cannot be the insensitive person I was before. For you gave me a new meaning to life. You thought me how to feel again. I regret that now I have feelings. Feelings for you. I never meant for us to be this way. I wanted you to grow along with me. I wanted to be the person to hold you when you feel down. The man whom you can draw strength from. I'm just not strong enough to carry on what I started.

Yes I'm loyal. Everything that I've gone through has worn me out. Now rendered a broken man.

Fallen is he who once soared.

Tattoo Design For Left Arm

2007-03-26T20:26:00.000+08:00

This is what I was thinking of getting. A portrait tattoo. When I have the $$$ of course.

Comments?

Tag it.

17 Is the Number behind my Head board

2007-03-26T03:28:00.000+08:00

I get hurt by love again

It is okay, I'll just treat it as a price to grow up

The person who just walked away

Her cigarettes are still lit, but the smell in the air thins.

I am not born to enjoy loneliness

However I feel more lonely than anyone else

Even if you give me the whole world

I still own nothing

I want happiness

I want to be able to sleep comfortably

Some people's hug is only warm when they left

When they leave I stop hating them

I should have let them go earlier

I want happiness

Even if it means I have to laugh louder and louder

If my heart is not heated

Everything is fake

Only tears are real

I thought about my past once again

I thank those who had hurt me

I want to become an optimistic person

Every type of rain don't sound cold anymore

My decision is right.

Wo Yao Kuai Le.

Wo Yao Kuai Le

2007-03-25T04:51:00.000+08:00

Some of the things that make me smile and be happy for what I have. I look at the pictures and it bring a broken smile to my face.

It's Sean Png's 3rd death anniversary today. It tears me up to even think what we'll be doing now if he were still alive.

Pictures that I'll have engraved in my spirit. Though I don't believe in it. Everything is ultimately just physical. For them who really matter, I'd change anything about myself. Even the things that I really feel so strongly about.

Don't know why but I've started to feel again and cry about how I actually feel. Damn I feel like a girl.

She told me that I'm just in love with the notion of falling in love. She just loves to shoot me down all the time. Maybe that's why I love her so much. I really don't know how I'm gonna pick myself up. Though it may all seem alright, I'm actually falling apart as the day advances.

No one will ever know the love I have for so many people. Though I can be really vulgar at times, look unappreaciative and be cold, in actual fact, it's really hard for me to express myself sometimes.

I just don't want to lose another one that I love and fall apart again.

I just wanted to say to those of you whom I love that I treasure and cherish every moment together. Thanks for being there for me.

Come June, I'll be starting a new relationship. It's just gonna be me and the skies.

It will all be just an accident.

Marshmallows and Sketches

2007-03-24T01:32:00.000+08:00

This comic strip courtesy of www.explosm.net reminds me of the time when Zhong Division had a BBQ. The 3 of us played this game of "Fuzzy Bunny" while having as many marshmallows as possible in your mouth.

Forgot to blog about this yesterday. When I was on the way home on the train after the movie with Chris, there was this Malay girl in a "tudong" sitting directly in front of me. I was really tired so I just sat down, minded my own business, listening to my I-Pod and just about to doze off when she started staring at me.

I didn't know how to react. To be hostile towards her as she might have put a "Jihad" on my head or to just ignore and doze off again. I decided to do the latter. So when I woke up at Dover MRT station, she was still staring at me. This time, she was armed with paper and a pencil! She was drawing me while I was asleep. I felt so uncomfortable. The people sitting on her left and right also peeked at her drawing. It felt really awkward when after they had a look at the drawing they would look at me. Then there was this "mat" sitting next to me. He had no fucking idea what was happening and just looked at me. Malay see, malay do (monkey see, monkey do. For the mats and minas who read this blog).

When I got off the train at Outram Park to change to the NEL, I felt like a superstar. Fuck I must be good looking. Imagine what I'll be without acne! GOD LIKE!

While on the train, I couldn't stop thinking about her. How we'd talk about nonsense sometimes and issues that matter on the train. I just like to feel stupid around her. Only around her, I don't have to think so much. Cause I feel rested and at peace just holding her.

Wandering Wonders

2007-03-22T01:08:00.000+08:00

Spent the night with my Buds at Chris' hall at NTU. Ordered a hell lot of McNuggets. Couldn't finish it all 3 of us. Marcus was doing his work while Chris... Well he was being a distraction. He was playing Warhammer and I watched the game over his shoulder. The last line sounded so gay.

Soon the two of them... They fall asleep and it was just me, the laptop and WARHAMMER! Was enjoying my game till this old auntie, barged in. It was like 8.30am in the morning and she sounded as though a war has started when she opened the door. Truth be told, I wasn't at all interested in what she was saying. Some language that I couldn't comprehend. So I just acted like I was listening but I was actually just building my Terminator Squad to annihilate my enemy.

Well well... The afternoon was a lazy one till Chris came back from his meeting with his group mates. I showed Marcus and Chris the "Goat" and my own newly invented "Rabbit Peeks Out". If you watched the movie Waiting, you'd know what I was talking about. How a man would manipulate their own testicles just to kick another man in the ass.

The first time I did it, they threatened to burn my scrotum with a lighted cigarette. So being a good friend, I wanted the ordeal to happen faster and more efficient. So I politely tried to sneak my jewels out for the two Sadistic assholes to burn... But no! Mr. Sadis-Fucking-Tic Chris had to flick my right testes. It sent electrical charges of phenomenal voltages down my spine. What did Marcus do? He just pinned me down.

Too tired to blog about the other two "Flash" incidents. Those bloody faggots love to look at shaven scrotum. LoL!

Well that's for posting the "PICTURE" up guys. Marcus is the trio's official pimp. This whole "Picture" thing is just too sick to even blog about.

Next...
We were about to go out. So Mr. Sadis-Fucking-Tic Chris wanted to put some healing lotion on his new tattoo. He can't reach it. So I volunteered to apply it for him. Just when I was applying the lotion, Marcus lifted Chris undies and the love canal was peeking at me. I squeezed the lotion onto his buttock crack. I gotta tell you guys reading this entry that... BOY IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE CUM. While applying the lotion, I had an urge to lemonparty (pls go to www.lemonparty.org to find out more) so I striked a pose which made it look like I was screwing Chris and Marcus took the picture! Chris even posed for it. Wicked! But then, Chris had a bad feeling about it and we started fighting over the phone. In which I got my hand lathered with Ass Healing Lotion when I rubbed Chris' butt crack while they were fighting over the phone. God my hand still smells like him... No his ass...

Well well... The 3 stooges then went down to Jurong point where Marcus parted to go to school. It was 4.20pm. His class started at 3.30pm. I came up with a good reason to give his lecturer. "Sorry, I went to the wrong Uni". FYI, Marcus is from SMU. So that's in town. The lesson would've been over before he even stepped his foot on the train.

Chris and I played this awesome remake of this SUPER-RETRO game. It's back with better graphics! RAIDEN 3!!! Really got the adrenaline pumping when I was playing the game. Such an orgasmic game.

We watched Stomp The Yard. Only liked the movie because of the dance "battles". Besides that, one row behind us to the left corner, there were some Malay pigs who couldn't keep their comments and mouths shut. After much investigation, I decided to leave them alone. They're fat and ugly Malay girls. The least I could do was to let them say or do whatever they want to when the lights are off in the cinema. Cause when the lights get turned back on again, the tables get turned.

Went for a smoke after the movie and contemplated on raising my kid in the Ghetto so that he can be the (according to Chris) God-Like younger brother dancer.

Ufoo! Too tired. Need to sleep.

It may have sounded like a really happy day for me, what was really going through my mind was this. Does she ever think of me when she's alone. Away from the person that so called "Loves" her. I seriously really wonder. It's tearing me up inside. One of the reason why I never trusted you God was that you never did answer any of my prayers. Gives me enough reason to believe that you're nothing but a plague in the minds of humans. You swine!

Ada Is My Only One

2007-03-20T01:47:00.000+08:00

Today shall be the day that I shall honour the Trio's tattoo. I shall be loyal to the woman I love. Till my death. I ran and thought about it.

What any other man has, I can get or I already have. But I have something that only a few good men have. That is courage and the will to fight. We're fearless. I'm fearless.

So I shall fight this fight. Don't try to stand in my way. This is my prayer to everyone in this world. You'd just be a statistic in the Murder category of your country.

Now before I start planning out my strategy and setting my mind straight to achieve my goals, please take a look at the comic strip brought to you by www.explosm.net. Ada, the love I have for you is enough to last you this lifetime and the next. Please sayang me the way I want to be loved.

Believe You're Dead And All Seems Fine...

2007-03-18T22:47:00.000+08:00

Went out with the boys today. Accompanied Lemon Party boy, Chris, to do his fallen angel tattoo on his lower back in which he said was almost unbearable. Lucky for him the tattoo artist, Jerry, told him that tattooing the lower back would be excruciating for guys after it was halfway done.

Marcus met us just before Chris did his tattoo.

Alot of thoughts and painful memories was racing through my head today as I just spent the day bumming around the tattoo parlour. Marcus asked me what's wrong and what I was thinking of. Not that I didn't wanna tell him or my buds about the problems that I'm facing. I just didn't know where to start. I just felt really agitated and frustrated which made me feel really worn out and tired for most of the day.

I though mainly about my family and Ada.

How did it all end up like this? How did my family turn out to be like this again? I really don't feel loved at all. In fact, I feel lost everytime I'm at home. It feels like I'm all alone again. Feels like the time when my mother divorced my genetical father. Sometimes I wonder whether my two step sisters are feeling the same way.

Beautiful as they are, it pains me if I ever found out that they had to go through the same childhood as me.

Trying to get a proper job. A job which doesn't require me to look over my shoulder everytime I'm off work.

Guess why I'm so stressed and disturbed is that I feel like I've stepped on quicksand. The more I struggle, the faster I sink and seal my fate. The less I struggle, the slower I sink, the longer my agony and I still die in the end. When I tried to believe that I'm dead to make everything seem just a little better, I screwed myself over. Cause right now, you just feel like taking the plunge. Why solve all your problems when you can end it all.

Another issue is that Ada keeps thinking that I'm still all out to pull her down. Why does she keep thinking that way? Do have to be those kind of insensitive male, the one I was last time, in order for her to love me? Where I won't reciprocate your love for me but you know I love you. Then 2 weeks later just walk out of your life and expect you to understand. I can be that man again. A cold hearted beast who beats the living hell out of the other male species and be portrayed as a hero in the eyes of gangsters. When I'm sincere, you don't appreciate.

I seriously have no idea what to do at this point of time. Everything that I do is wrong in people's eyes. Especially those that you thought cared for you. So what do you do when it becomes fucked up beyond all recognition?(FUBAR)

The answer is easy. You stand there and not struggle. Savour the taste of your pathetic life. Slowly but surely you'll disappear into the ground and seal your fate.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2007-03-11T18:12:00.000+08:00

Domo! Happy Birthday Party Boy!

This photo was taken outside HMV after buddies Chris and Marcus bought a gay-ass balloon and princess hat for me and asked me to wear in the middle of Orchard Road. Sneaky sneaky!!!

Cheers to my buds for doing that. Really funky and though its gay, I'll remember you guys. Cause this just proves that you really wanna LP.

Well well what did I do today?

First thing when I awoke today, Ada called me on my phone. I was shocked. It's the second time she called. Really means alot to someone who's been waiting for it for a long time. It might not have meant as much to her but really... Thanks for the call.

Went on MSN to talk to her more. I just couldn't bear to say good bye. Whatever I wished for my birthdays, they never come true. So might as well not make anything big out of it. I was really impressed at how her call can make it all seem alright. It took away my pain. I felt as though I'm home for the first time in a long time.

It was so hard to see you walk away. So painful to think about what we had last time. Now you're far away from me. But that's why I chose to become a pilot. So that I can fly to wherever you are. Once you're back into my arms again, that's where you'll stay. The heavens didn't create you and me to be lonely. It created us to live, love and to leave behind a legacy together.

Anyway, I watched some Sunday movie on TV at noon till Marcus called and asked whether I wanted to paint the old folks house. What a better way to celebrate my birthday than to help others out. My mum told me to stay for lunch. Whilst waiting for lunch, Ada called again! I swear my heart so melted the moment I heard her voice again. It means so much to me to just say a "I miss you" or a "I love you". She woke up in the middle of the night to just call me. My mum smiled when she saw me tear after that phone call. Yes. Her son is no doubt in love but it destroys him not getting to hold her or even get a glimpse of her. Through all the frustrations and sadness and the tears, I find hope in my mum's eyes. The eyes of a strong woman. Someone who has been through so much just to bring me up. She smiled just to reassure me that everything is gonna be alright. She told me this one thing.

"You might've made mistakes in the past, you like to fight and very violent. But I know you're a good boy. God will make her yours if it's meant to be."

I just hope she'll (ADA) do a terminator scene and say "I'll be back!"

Looks like my whole family tree knows about how sad I am about her. Telling me how I shouldn't give up. I didn't and never will. I'm a fighter. And I'll always fight for what I want. Men I can kill... Relationships I can break... Marriage I can force a divorce... Children I can adopt them... Her happiness, I'll give anything..

I arrived and they finished... So all I got to do was just carry 1 bag of rubbish and a bottle of thinner in which I was contemplating on drinking.

They went for lunch at the nearby food centre and then we parted.

Right now, waiting for my homies to call to meet up after dinner with there respective rents.

So I go take a shower now. Just came back from a run. Hot and dripping wet la...

Damn it...

2007-03-07T03:09:00.000+08:00

It's the same dream again where Sean would pull me down with him while I was looking out the window of a tall building. I'd wake up before I hit the ground.

I need to get out here. But it's 3am in the morning. What the hell can I do.

Idea! Go out for a run. Though people might think I'm a ghost or something (cause I run fast!). Yes yes. I shall run to clear my thoughts. Bloody hell. Emotional roller coaster. I can't take this kinda shit no more. Getting far too old for this. Eh... Damn it. I'm only 22 but I feel like a battered veteran at 50.

Things to do today.
1) Go for run
2) Go for run
3) Go for run
4) Meet buddies if they are meeting up.
5) Go for run
6) Have no idea what the hell to do today.

So that means I'll go for a run now.

Chopsticks... They Come In Pairs

2007-03-06T16:27:00.000+08:00

Had another disturbing dream last night. This time it was about having a chopstick down my throat and in my chest. I could feel the pain from my chest.

I was just walking down to the bus stop. God knows where, then a hand gripped my face. That asshole smoked. Cause his fingers smelled like cigarettes. That's all I can remember. Next thing I know I was stumbling on the side of the road. With a pair of chopsticks protruding from my mouth and chest.

I laid down there hoping for someone to help me out. No one stopped to even help me. It's a cruel world. The traffic, the people... Nothing stopped. No one gave a damn. It felt like a real long time. I was coughing, wheezing, tilting my head from side to side trying to cough out the blood and everytime I took a breath, I could feel the pain and the warmth of my blood trickling out of my chest.

I jumped out of bed at 2 am in the morning. Took out a cigarette and smoked in my toilet. Trying to make out the dream. It's coming to haunt me back. And damn it. One cigarette isn't enough. Now my toilet looks like a smoke chamber.

Trying to figure out what my mind is trying to tell me. What am I supposed to do? Why are there recurring nightmares? No one can ever understand how it feels like to have the fear of sleeping. To be in my shoes.

Like what Marcus said yesterday, he'd rather not meddle with the super natural stuff. This ain't supernatural.

I still remember the nights when she'd hold me tight in her arms and put me back to sleep when I had these kinda nightmares.

Now all I have to accompany me are the pack of 20's which don't feel as good as her. God damn it I miss her.

Kau Selalu Di Dalam Hatiku

2007-02-26T19:31:00.000+08:00

Ok... No pictures this time. Cause I'm blogging from SMU on Marcus' laptop. That bugger went off to send Sarah to the MRT Station and left me here all alone. He big asshole. Chris... Still having a hand party at home I think. I don't really know.

Feeling damn emo now la. Don't know what to feel or do. Listen to too many emo songs. Thought and pondered over alot of things. I should keep myself from falling in love with others. I'm leaving for Singapore soon and I don't think if I ever get into a relationship with anyone, I'll be screwing that person and myself.

I know how it feels like to be left all alone when you wanna be with that special someone. I'm a pilot. A wanderer of the world. I cannot afford to fall for anyone. It'll be hard for the both of us. Sometimes it feels damn fucked up la.

Still I'm pondering whether it's the right thing to do. I'm a contradiction when it comes to love la. Easy to say what to do but hard to put it into practice.

Wonder what she is up to now...

My youngest sister's birthday is coming up too! She wanna book chalet so that all our cousins can go and celebrate with her. But I cannot afford! Gotta work. Don't ever wanna see a broken smile on their faces. Though I'm a little rough to them at times, I sure hope they know that I love them all.

Fuck just saw Marcus walk past across the street with Sarah. *WAVE* *Point Middle Finger*

Just trying to let things sink in. I'll be gone for so long that I wonder whether the people that I hold dear to me would still think of me. As June 4th draws nearer, I feel like I'm gonna hit the ground hard. Don't wanna be alone on the blood stained tarmac. I fear... I never feared before. Always took people straight on and stared right through them with piercing eyes. Not now. I fear for many things. Guess it's part of growing up.

Sean Png's death anniversary is coming up soon too. I sometimes wonder what we'll be doing if he weren't dead. He'll be part of Zhong Division. March 25th. Bro, I never forgot about you. I keep you close to my heart all the time. And that goes for peeps who are equally close to me. If they were to go before I do, that'll be a hell lot of fries. And I'll be sad if we didn't lemon party yet la! Hell I'll exhume you! Loved you like my own brother. My mum misses you too. Thanks for all your help. We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.

Sean-Ken Png Hao Jie, will always remember you. You'd better tell God that I'm a good man. Bitch about me to him and I swear I'll get back at you after I'm outta hell.

You always told me that you wanted to see me fall in love. When I did, you weren't there. Life's unfair.

The Feeling Is Gone

2007-02-24T05:09:00.000+08:00

This photo was taken during when we were going out on a call. In the distance, you still can see my Fire Station. The red building above the tree line.

The other photo is when I was just screwing around in the Fire Station. Boy I miss those days packed with heat, adrenaline and the fear of not seeing tomorrow.

I seriously have no idea what to write man... What can I say. I'm kinda lost for words. So many things to write but having nowhere to start is frustrating.

More pics... At least don't have to type so much.

The mad race to reach location. 8 minutes is all we've got to reach any location withing our boundary. So off to the races we go. Section 6 was on the Red Rhino. Overtook the pumper. Though we're faster, the Red Rhino is less stable than the pumper. But who cares? As long as we win.

Below, that is Kelvin. The crazy ass fuck from Section 6. Still wanna wave when I taking the photo. Keep your eyes on the road la! We're at 110KM/H in residential area!!!

Sigh... Really... I emo. It's five in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm a struggling pilot. Trying to look and feel calm when I'm practically struggling to keep my plane flying.

Just realized that whatever your notion is on love, whether love makes you stupid, love hurts, love is blind or whatever, something holds true. That it'll never leave you feeling lonely.

It's now 5.40am. Think I'll go make myself a cuppa and relax, chill, smoke and blog more. Gotta post all these photos up.

The next photo is the original Section 6. Recognised as the best. From the left, Kelvin, Siti, Me and the one with the cap is Tamimi.

Kelvin used to be from Naval Diving Unit and is exceptionally fit. He's our motivator and physical training instructor. And a good whip ass driver. Miss him and his crazy antics.

Siti, she's the mellowed one. Whenever got problem, can go talk to her. She's the best. Can go emo with her. And she's really sweet. She provides a listening ear when you need it.

Tamimi, the one in the cap. Best trainee for Rota 1 in the 19th fire fighting course. Doesn't say much. Very simple and quiet but a hell of a worker. He has great stamina. His body can take alot of punishment.

Then there's me! Overall best fire fighter trainee for 20th fire fighting course. I'm just there to go crazy all the time. Do stupid things and make the section laugh. Sometimes, I have no idea why I'm in the best section also.

Next up!

The 3 Stooges. Who got the same tattoos. Known each other for long time! Marcus, 10 years. Chris, 16 years. In 48 years, we're gonna Lemon Party. For your info, if you don't know what lemon party is, please go to http://www.lemonparty.org and check it out.

DISCLAIMER: For those under 18 or 21 in some countries, please get parental consent. Get them to check out this site with you. They might like it. For those who are disgusted by explicit content, I suggest you go kill yourself after looking at it. The owner of this blog takes no responsibility of any repercussions from looking at the website. You've been warned.

Anyway, pics of all our tattoos. LOYALTY!

Top: Marcus

Middle: Chris

Bottom: Ahmad

What a long blogging session this has been. Now I wonder what she is doing now... Gotta clear my head. Better go for a morning run.

Good morning sunshine! Let me soak all your love. Just don't burn me again.

V-Day...

2007-02-14T05:45:00.000+08:00

Ooh baby! Look at that Retro Fireman. That fire appliance in the background is the Combined Platform Ladder (CPL).

It's damn V-Day again. For all you lover boys and girls, it'll be Valentine's Day. For you motherfucking playaz, it'll be Vagina Day. For all you old folks with erectile dysfunction, it's Viagra Day. Whatever day it means to you, it is fucking over rated. Only businesses profit from days like this.

Well guess I'm moody today cause I ain't got a Valentine's date, AGAIN, this year. Well maybe it's because I miss my ex? Nah... That's not the case. I'm having a hell of an emotional roller-coaster.

You see I met this girl like last week. I don't know why but I was attracted to her. She had some sort of emotional "tractor beam" (if you're a Star Wars fan, you'd understand) on me. I was against the notion of being an item with another person without knowing them first to save yourselves the hurt of breaking up. But this time, I have no damned idea why I'm behaving this way. Is this feeling REAL. I still can't figure it out. I'm gonna give love a chance and not think so much. Being too analytical can be a pain in the ass sometimes.

Well, she called at about 12 noon to ask me whether I still wanted to meet her. But I could only see her for like 1 or 2 hours then she had to go off to meet a Malay street dancer boy named Tee or something like that. But I noticed that she played Irreplaceable by Beyonce. That song entails another story. Lazy to type. Too long.

The last time I met her and that boy, I put her in a very awkward position. Maybe cause I was there, he was jealous and everytime I tried talking to her, her face would turn to me and I'd see that broken smile and beautiful eyes which kinda lost its essence cause it looked rather confused. How I wished to embrace her.

If I knew that was gonna happen, I shouldn't have attended that dance competition. I think cause of my past relationship, I don't actually go for a girl head on anymore and fight for what I want. According to a line in Rocky Balboa, Fighters Fight... I was once called a fighter. Somehow, I think I've lost that title.

I just remembered that even when we bumped into each other at Frujch,SMU, Irreplaceable was playing when she just sat down at a table and I was playing pool. I stopped cueing and looked up to see her looking at me and giving me a smile. Short that moment might be, it's engraved in my heart.

Now, how do I tell her about how I feel. I might sound stupid. She might go... "You barely know me". Correct, I barely know you and I like you. Imagine what I'll be like when I finally know you inside out? (Don't think dirty!)

To All You Playaz!

I must pluck up courage to get up to her and tell her. Tee cannot be the one holding her hand. It's rightfully mine. Get outta my way all you malay boys. The real Malay Man is coming through. All you MATS don't know how to love a woman. You'll never get far in relationships. And cause of that, you named yourselves PLAYAZ. Break up with girls before they break up with you. You know why? You'd most probably be boring after awhile. Cause you're stupid. So to all you mother fucking players, don't hate me cause she loves me more.

Just sharing the love to the world. Players take the love away. By the way, Players usually have small dicks and can't make love to a woman properly. That's why most of their relationships can't work. Cause it's like sticking a needle into a volcano pit. You wanna meet a real player, meet me. You might drive or ride an el cheapo bike. I look down on you when I go riding. Cause I fly a plane. Something that you can never do. So fuck your mum and your mum's momma. Cause soon there won't be any loving for you pricks.

You can screw one, but she has many friends. So within her friends, you're TABOO. You most probably just figured it out cause I just told you. Dumb fucks.

Think about it... What if someone fucked around with your Mummy or Sister... Would you like it? If you would like it, please, by all means leave tag and it can be arranged.

Flyboy out.

Stall Warning, Check Your Angle Of Attack!

2007-02-01T00:33:00.000+08:00

Yes that's right! I'm starring in the new film Rocky Balboa! Yay isn't that so cool! Must watch ok you guys!

The other pics can be found on the right. On my buddy's blog, MARCUS! Don't bother checking Chris' blog cause he rarely updates it.

Yesterday, met up with Marcus first at SMU cause Chris only finished class at like 6.30pm. So there I was at 5pm sitting down with Marcus at the bench outside the SMU library chatting and smoking.

Finally met Jaye. So I don't have to eat 2 fries for that anymore. Met a guy named Ryan who like had 5 nipples and a 6 pack which disappeared last night. By six pack I mean a 6 pack beer. Corny shirt. Jaye, bubbly girl who according to Marcus, is a catalyst in the group.

Well Ryan went home and the 3 of us namely Marcus, Jaye and I, went over to Mr. Tea to drink teh tarik. Which was conveniently situated just across a small little space which SMU calls a "PARK". Well we sat there for like an hour till Rachel and Kim finished class. Everyone was waiting for Chris to arrive till the girls left at like 7pm.

Finally at 7.20pm he arrived. We walked around aimlessly like we always do, trying to decide where to go and what to do. Fuck we're worse than girls.

First Stop!

Yes well well this was our first stop for the evening. The new Cathay Cineplex. Was trying to imitate what Marcus was doing and I freaking drooled. Man there must have been a hole in my mouth. Gotta patch it up soon. So embarassing. Thank god no one except Chris saw it. I kinda felt it but didn't actually see the spit. Hahaha!

We went to Basement one to check out what was there to eat. But something else caught our eyes. It was the ULTRA FAMOUS SUPER KUNGFU ICED MILK TEA! We had to rehearse saying it before we could order. But Chris was all giggly like a girl to even stand up and order. Marcus had to lead the way. Marcus ordered the GREAT ULTIMATE YUAN YANG. There was no more super drink that was available for me to buy so I settled for ICED MILK COFFEE. The others wanted me to order ICED COFFEE BLACK. But I don't drink coffee without milk.

Well the drink made me feel really sick and bloated.

Second Stop!

Plaza Singapura. nothing much there... Only went to Daiso! Everything $2! and then went to Kopitiam to sit down and complain how bloated all of us were. Went to pee and hit the road once again.

Third Stop

Cuppage Terrace. We walked all the way to the end of the alley and then walked half of it back and decided to eat the BBQ Seafood. Had stingray, kailan, omelette, breaded chicken and washed it down with Coke. Marcus and I sat down talking about tattoos while Chris, started to learn to be wonderful asshole, was talking to god knows who. Even if I knew, I'm not telling! While Chris was on the phone Marcus and I devoured his cigarettes gracefully. So we see who better asshole! The first thing he said when he put down the phone, "I don't know about you guys but I gotta pee". He didn't realise that he was one the phone for like 1hour and 15 minutes! While walking to find a toilet, we talked about something really really disgusting. 2 fries for that Chris. Till the day you do it and finally taste.... *CENSORED*. Went to pee at the toilet behind Swensen's. That's when he blurted out "I'm In Love". To you normal people, it would seem normal to say that. But to the 3 of us, you'd better be careful. Or you'd be beaten up. So since he said it twice, Marcus and I whacked him twice. No wait... Marcus had an extra go at Chris. But let's just put it at 2.

Fourth Stop!

Cineleisure. We must be Cathay loyal customers. We whizzed up all the way to the 5th floor and voted for which movie to watch. Since Marcus and I asshole, Chris picked the movie. APOCALYPTO. Nice sick movie about the love of a man for his wife and children. That bastard is damn lucky. Remember to watch the end of the credits for those of you who wants to watch it! Then it was another PISS stop. Then off to the last stop!

5th Stop!

CYBER DOME! Yep that's right! We LAN gamed till 6.30am. Played Battlefield 2 and went home.

Result of whole night, Marcus and Ahmad = ASSHOLE. Chris = 2 fries. Marcus, didn't finish his school work which was due 2 hours ago. Ahmad was damn tired. Chris = No school. Great success for him.

What I learned on the way home was that this day made me realize that nothing should hinder us from being who we want to be, from being who we want to be with, or doing what we want to do as long as it's dignified and proper. As long as it's right. I've learned a lot about integrity and about being strong. But still miss her alot.

Struggling To Keep Myself Flying

2007-01-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

Well kinda outdated this photos but might as well post them up. Thanks Marcus for the photos! Hehe... Grabbed them off your blog! Foo!

Anyway, being a cadet pilot trainee seems harder than I thought it would be.

I've got to look after my health too. There are like little "shrooms" growing in my lungs. Man... Is it the smoking or the after effects of being a damned hero in fires. If I didn't go for the damned compulsory medical X-Ray, I wouldn't have known and would've passed away happy. Now I gotta scramble and raise the money I owe you Chris and Marc!!! Before I pass away.

Back to the whole story of my screwed up life. Well well... I've been feeling really fucked up for the past 2 years and it has never been worse than tonight. I'm feeling really lonely. There's no one that can make it go...

I've been a fucked up son, boyfriend, lover, friend and brother.

Been thinking too much.

Did I fail my parents?

If I had loved her better would I have been the reason for me to stay?

If I didn't financially depend on friends so much, would they call me out more?

If I showed more concern for my blood brother, would he have still died?

I don't know man. All these questions. I don't want answers to it. It's better left unsaid. Right now, I just wanna train hard and be the god damn best mother-of-all pilots to hit the tarmac on runway 1.

From there, it's auto-pilot. I just gotta make pre-flight checks first. This phase of my life feels like the pre-take off stage. Once in the air, it'll be smooth sailing... Hopefully. There'll be a day where I'll have to land and settle back down. But it's still far away. Let's not think about landing when we haven't even taken off. Just waiting for my turn to taxi down the runway and take off. Destination: Unknown. But wherever it takes me, I'm ready for it. I've lived this long and I'm just gonna keep going. Storms, hurricanes and all the elements ain't bringing this bitch down from the air.

It's hard... Really hard to say goodbye.

Random thoughts going through my head again. But something still stays. The pain that throbs deep in my heart.

This is not my story. This is my song.

2007-01-16T00:46:00.000+08:00

For all you people who have no idea what this is, just for your info, it is raw CHICKEN HEART!

The three musketeers met up at around 11.30pm on a saturday. Rendezvous point, Harbourfront Centre. Point of entry, St James Powerhouse.

On arrival, we queued to get in the club, Modiva. Got to wash our eyes a little. When we got in, it was like going into another country. I had no idea what song was playing... No idea what language it was. But alot of people seem to enjoy the music. So I tried to loosen up and acted like I was on the same high as them.

Fuck we got lost. We had no idea where the hell all of us were going. So we just walked to the other end and went up some stairs. To a bar... Where you can walk around and see all 3 discos, Dragonfly, Power House and Modiva. Smashing baby!

Well we kinda stuck around Modiva as they played good music. Once the live band wasn't singing some alien song. But we didn't stay for long. We needed to grab something to eat. Chris was hungry. On our way down to Charcoal, which is conveniently located at St. James, I met Tim. Tim was Ada's good friend's boyfriend. I called out to him, asked how he was blah blah blah. To my horror, I found out that he and Jacque broke up. Disastrous. She's such a sweet lady. But another war was waging through my head. A surge of chemicals produced in my brain caused me a little dizziness. Thinking too much. Ada was all I could think of at that moment.

Charcoal is a place where you cook your own food using of course, charcoal. We were ordering our chicken and "chicken" when chicken heart was spotted in the menu. Chris and Marcus came up with this idea that if I ate the plate of chicken heart, then all my fries would be cleared. 2 Fries is a game where 3 of us played since we were in secondary school. We try to make a person the "extra" and then he has to eat or owe 2 fries. We usually play it once we're full and play it to the point where we'd almost or sometimes puke. And so back to the chicken heart story, I owed alot so I thought to myself, why not. Might as well eat some chicken heart and clear the debt.

Cold sweat and sticky balls. The chicken heart arrived. I cooked it. And reluctantly ate it. Hm... It was nice. Hahaha! I didn't mind eating the whole plate. Chris and Marcus started complaining. Oh well a deal is a deal.

Well then, Jo, Marcus' girl arrived. With 2 more other girls. So Marcus left me and Chris with 2 other girls while he and Jo talked. So Chris and I decided to grab Chris bag in the locker back in the disco. That's when Marcus' 2 fries started adding up. We hung around the disco and listened to music had a smoke and danced a little. Then finally headed back to where Marcus was. Still he wasn't finished... So we started to talk to "the other 2".

Finally, when Marcus was finished, he wanted to eat Macs. So we walked back to Harbourfront Centre via Vivo City. Vivo was f-ing empty. Unfortunately, Macs was closed. The girls wanted to go home and Marcus was torn between staying with Chris and I or sending Jo back. Chris and I helped him by asking him to fuck off. LoL!

Well now only Chris and I are left. We went to Cheers to get smokes, coffee and MAXIM. A great concoction to help time pass. Then Chris had a beautiful idea of watching a movie. So we stuck around Vivo City to wait for the cinemas to open. While waiting, we talked at Sky park and took this picture!

We had a Long John's breakfast while waiting to catch the movie.

Chris was going in and out of consciousness during the movie. LoL! He was so tired. The movie had this 2 sentences which kinda rubbed off on me and I used it as my headline! It was a movie some sort like Pulp Fiction. A Quentin Tarantino movie. Good movie.

Oh yeah. If anyone knows why there is this gap in between the seats please tell me. I just can't figure out why they built it this way. There wasn't any object obstructing your view of the screen and they built a gap at least 3 seats apart.

Hmm...

If Money Could Buy Your Love, I Wished I Was Rich

2007-01-09T04:03:00.000+08:00

Drunk again today. Been drinking my sorrows away. The smile on my face blankets the painful truth from the world. I've been deeply scarred. Terribly scarred by falling in love.

The Car Ride
It was embarassing, I couldn't help it. Cried in my friend's car today while he was ssending me home. I couldn't take it. It's been an emotional rollercoaster this past 5 days. I didn't wanna bother my buds. They have school and why should they even care for someone like me who caused them so much trouble. I hate my life as it is now. Nowhere to run for cover. Unlike most of you people my age, you've got your parents to support you. Where do I turn to for support when I really want to feel my own flesh and blood hugging and telling me that everything's gonna be alright.

You told me to fall in love with someone else. Well yes I did. So did you! I told you I have eyes. Even in London. Expect me in places unexpected. I'm not gonna do shit. You and I, we're through.

Once Bitten, Bite Me Again
Love, Love, Love... What's this feeling that's really keeping me warm when the world feels so cold. Is it love? I've barely even known you and I've been thinking about you for the past 121 hours. Maybe I've been wrong at blaming love for the hurt that I'm going through now. But it creeps up on me every waking moment of this 121 hours. Is it lust or love? If it's lust, then I should keep these unpure thoughts out of my head. If it's love then please bring me down to my knees again. I surrender myself. Love can hurt me but it'll never kill me.

The tears of sadness still flows down from my face even at this moment. You never did make an effort to call or even turn up on MSN. It shows how much I mean to you. These lies to keep me hanging here has been cut. I'm free from your cruel romance. Your cold embrace. Your insincere feelings. Your hurtful touch. I will find a home in another's heart.

Even if it means returning to God's holy embrace or the scorching heat of hell.
For this hurt, this tear, this sadness and torture will cease once I'm well rested in this unforgiving and ruthless world.

If only you had made an effort. I'm sick and tired. I'd rather stand alone than face your wrath.

Partying At Zouk With... Puke...

2007-01-06T06:48:00.000+08:00

Firstly, the photo just above this line is a badly taken photo... I look like a scared kitten who is like gonna get eaten up for dinner or something. Retarded looking ol' me. That photo was taken before Marcus got totally smashed for the night. Booya! Boys night out! It was kinda sad that Chris wasn't there. Damn it would've been fun. That's 2 fries Chris.

The picture on top is Marcus' friends, Rachel and Clarabell. (Hopefully I spelled their names correctly). New found friends they may be but hell of party goers they are! That's right off the "HARD GAY PARTY-O-METER"!

Well we kinda started the night on the wrong foot. When we wanted to head down to Zouk, as soon as we got down the bus, it started raining like F@#K! Oh well so we had to wait for Rachel to pick us up. What better way to go down Zouk in a Merc Cab courtesy of Rachel. Thanks Rachie.

Well the partying was fun at Phuture till some lesbians and manly looking girls started pushing me and Marcus. We were already like banged up against the wall and they kept on pushing. So being the people higher up on the "FOOD CHAIN" being stronger and tougher than them, I started pushing back. Unhappy they were, I was thinking about fucking them to shut their mouths up and enjoy a nice solid cock.

THE CONFRONTATION
Well guess they kinda had enough of me pushing them back into the crowd. So, one of them thought she had the balls to confront me. But sadly, I'm the real stuff back in Singapore. They asked what was my problem in some girly tone. Which was really unusual for a "man". So I towered that little girl who looked like a boy and said "I've got no problem. But if you have, take it outside and I'll treat you like a real man". LoL!

Little did that little bitch know that the bouncers were my friends. So guess she wanted to pick a fight till my dude came along and towered over me like a BIG BROTHER. Till then did the whole bunch of 11 bitches shut up. I gave him the thumbs up. In a club, to bouncers who are your friend, it means, "No problem man! But keep your eyes over me."

Well seriously people... If you wanna pick a fight, don't FUCK around with me. Cause I'll FUCK you so hard that your granny can feel it and die of an orgasm.

The Wasted and The Merlions
Well after that confrontation, we wanted to go Zouk. So off Marcus went and "bull-dozed" all four of us through the crowd in record time!

Barely 10 minutes at Zouk and I felt something warm and kinda slimy on my hands. There Rachel was trying to impersonate the Merlion. Marcus couldn't be bothered cause he was too high to even notice her. Marcus was on Cloud 9! Foo!

Tried pulling Rachel up but she wouldn't budge. The bouncers couldn't do anything about it and all they could do was watch. Rachel was flooding the place. I had to be the one to save the party goers from the inevitable flooding of Zouk if Rachel was going to continue like that the whole night. So I wore my underwear on the outside and went to do what heroes would do. Told the bouncers to clear the way of people all the way to the exit. I fireman lifted Rachel. Thank god I was a fireman before. Lifting a girl that size was chicken feet. I could even do pull-ups with her on my back.

Anyway, it was still pouring outside when I put Rachel on the sidewalk. Though we had an umbrella over our head, thanks to my all favourite bootch Zouk bouncer, my new Levi's jeans were still getting wet. I looked down and there Rachel was puking on my jeans. Aww... I tried to do damage control to Rachel. She was leaking all over the place. And I had her puke all over my shirt which says "Sorry for being SO FUCKING SEXY". Not so sexy is it with puke all over it.

To my horror when I looked at Rachel's foot, she had no shoes on! Oh gosh. I fireman lifted her to safety but left her shoes behind. Shit! Clarabell came out with one side but couldn't find the other. So heck with it. Rachel needed to get home bad! Stuffed her onto a taxi and sent her back. She just stays down the road from me. Lucky for me it's along the way home.

The Arrival
Soon enough, we arrived at her place and she was getting out. Usually, we would use our feet to stand up but Rachel apparently had a brilliant idea of using her head. There was a thud and I rushed down to prevent her from breaking her own neck. She couldn't make it into her house on her own. So I payed the cab and dragged her into her home. Thank God her sister was there to assist me... Or was it the maid...??? Or whoever that person was. Than it was back on the road for me.

The Depressing Moments
It wasn't far from Rachel's place to mine. It was the memories that flooded through my head that made the walk a very memorable one. It was part of the route I used to take after sending you home, taking the train but unfortunately missing my last bus and to save money, I'd walk home. If you're reading this and you feel jealous, it's my principle to care for others. I was a fireman. It's carved in my heart. You know damn well if you were my girl, I'd do more than that for you. Please do leave me a message cause I really miss you.

I'm Holding On By Letting Go

2006-12-16T18:14:00.000+08:00

This picture was taken a few minutes after sunset. A very sad sunset. The end of one is the beginning of another. Lonely nights ahead.

I really don't feel like writing at all. There's this void in me. Oh sure I'm a cadet pilot with so many things in store. Right now, frankly, it's the saddest point of my life.

Scarred by the battles that wages inside of me. I resurrect daily just to see sadness on my face. The invisible tears that no one sees. But I'm alright. I'll go on with or without you. Even if I have to be with someone I don't love, what's most important is that she loves me.

I'm picking up the pieces of heart that's left all over the place. This is the day where the beast is unleashed. Never will I love anyone no more. All thanks to you. All that's left in me is hatred and in my hand is a bullet with your name.

Pain Of A Man That Killed The World

2006-12-15T17:55:00.000+08:00

There are many of us that take the ones that we love for granted. Haven't many of us learned that you'll appreciate something only when it's gone? Treating love so lightly as though being in a relationship is just merely the same as choosing which handphone you'd buy to carry along with you. After a while, you get bored and you trade it in for another handphone.

The world has to wake up. Where has the days of romanticism gone? The days where true love still existed? Has everyone lost their mind? Have us humans forgotten what love is like? Aren't we the equivalents of beasts then!

These tears... they flow neverending. Invisible tears that only the loving ones can see. Tears... The sweat of my heart working so hard to get you back.

Pain... Nothing compares to the pain I'm feeling.

You Fat Ass! Get Up And Start Slimming Down.

2006-12-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

I was just walking down Shenton Way today looking at how good my clothes fit me till a fat ass came up, blocked my view and bumped into me. He didn't even say sorry. Then that fat fuc< looked back and stared.

Naturally, being fit, I laughed my ass off at him. I'm able to run circles around him while he does his 2.4km in army. He'll most likely pass away if he started chasing me.

That comes to a point where fat people are disgusting people. Come on. Don't come up with the phrase "I'm Fat But You're Ugly, I Can Diet". I'm sure you tried dieting and it probably didn't work for you. So try not to console yourself and at least run those flabs off and GOD ALMIGHTY, cut down on your sugars! I mean only losers come up with those kinda phrase. Sure! Try Dieting! You'll end up fat. And fat means ugly. You've got the best of both worlds.

This is what I'm trying to put across. If you're fat, hit the gym or run! I don't see fat ass people going to the gym or running in Singapore at any time of the day. They're not even trying to help themselves. So if you feel insecure about your weight and the ratio of the size of your penis compared to your body, please... Don't pick a fight with people.

It's time you got up from your butt and started exercising. Everyone would like to see a fat person running. It's really moving to see a motivated individual. Once done, I'm sure you'll feel like you can conquer the world. To those asses who aren't fat, don't start smiling yet. You're still prone to heart failure. So put on your runners and let's meet on the road.

And yes. I'm second from the left in the above picture.

Boring Day At Duty

2006-11-13T06:18:00.000+08:00

This picture was taken in front of the Combined Platform Ladder on my last few duties at the Fire Station.

Firstly, yesterday was one of the most boring duty days I've ever had. There was one anti-climatic call though.

The two toned alarm sounded. FIRE CALL! Everyone rushed to PL441 not knowing what's in store for them. I was on LF441 but after hearing that there was a person trapped, I asked another to cover my position on the Red Rhino while I followed PL441 to the call.

Turning out was and has always been a big adrenaline rush for me. But I had to keep cool. Just to show the rest that everything's gonna be alright being the senior firefighter I am. Sirens blare, pedestrians stare and vehicles some of them just don't care. There are vehicles who are practically oblivious to our presence. That's when vulgarities start spewing out of my mouth. It was raining hard and my uniform was already wet. I was still quite calm until I saw the massive jam at BKE. This was really a Road Traffic Accident. From the distance, I could see that another one of our station's Red Rhino has been activated to the call too. The beacon lights flash like a lighthouse telling ships to steer clear. But our "ship" was heading straight for disaster. I don't wanna see another person die in front of my face. PL441 cautiously went ahead and traffic ahead of us clearedthe way for us to get closer to the incident site.

Upon approximately 20 metres from the incident site, a fireman saw our Fire Engine approaching. He slowly walked towards PL441 and showed the sign of a person's head being chopped off. My heart sank. I put my head out to ask him what happened and he said the person is Alright... He gave the signal to tell us that we could stand down. Didn't he have any other less sensitive signal? Hahaha.

I slept through the day today. Was really tired.I woke up at about 2 AM. I'm kinda used to it. Wake up just to hope to see Ada online and chat with her. But I guess her Brother was right after all. She'll only do it during the first few weeks. After that, she won't even know that Singapore ever existed and that her family and guy are still alive. What the hell. You're so predictable.

The Unstoppable Drive Towards Death

2006-11-08T00:12:00.000+08:00

Yes that's right. That's lung cancer. The result of smoking excessively. Don't worry about all these cancers and all that. Don't we all die? It's either cancer or heart disease. So suck on it. I mean cigarettes.

Today's like the most boring day of my whole god damn entire life. Couldn't sleep again. I'm trying to hit the 10 day mark of not sleeping. They say that 10 days of no sleep would cause you to die. I'm trying to push the limits of the human body. Might as well. Hahaha! Nothing else better to do. Nothing to lose anyway. Hmm... I wonder where she is what she is doing. It's been 2 days since she disappeared. Maybe she found a new found guy. Oh well... That's alright. I've got many here too. Why love one when you can love many! Having 2 or 3 hot girls grinding you in a club. Wow! Impossible? Not in my books. I'm just a slut nowadays. I just learn from simply the best. I will get back at you and your kind. Flyboy over and out!

Insomnia

2006-11-06T06:15:00.000+08:00

This photo was taken on the 4th of October 2006 when Ada just got her glasses and we were on the way back to her place. How did I become the man I am today...

I just can't get any sleep. I messaged nasty things to her again even though I really tried very hard not to. Now, for 24 hours exactly, her phone is switched off and there's no way of contacting her. I just can't get the picture out of my mind that she's with another man. What does he have that I don't. A heart, a brain and a good set of lungs.

Haven't been getting sleep. It's hard to sleep these past few weeks. I toss and turn for 8 hours and I still can't sleep. Somethings bothering me inside and it's really not helping my state of health. But hey... let's just accelerate it. Death isn't something I wanna savour.

I logged into MSN to see her write "stupid fucked up loser". Is it meant for me? I have a gut feeling it is. It's starting to sink in that maybe I am a stupid fucked up loser.

I don't think anyone can even comprehend what I feel at this moment in time. No one. Not even the one female figure which I used to love. She only ignores me. Doesn't give a damn. I just hope someone would just ram a knife right down my heart. Save me the agony please. God, I thought you were merciful.

She gladly rid all feelings of me less than a week after her arrival in London. But still I'm happy for her. For I cannot love her even if she allows me to once again. The knife or that 20 storey flat out there seems such a good way of escapism.

Death... It's nearing. And I smile at you. I welcome you. Sadistically take me away. Unleash all the pain on me. Pain is only temporary. You are my medium to a place where all my problems will be washed away. I wish you'd only come sooner. Rid me from this world where I'm regarded useless.

It'll all be an accident.

Sending Out An SOS.

2006-10-05T16:46:00.000+08:00

I couldn't take it. A sudden surge of emotions again. I had to call her and cried to her. I'm so stressed. I miss her company. Besides missing her so, I'm worried about how I'm going to pay off the remaining sum of my studies. I just can't take it. Everyone my age is going to Uni and here I am still stuck in National Service.

She's there in London and I'm here, lonely and a little messed up in Singapore. I just needed someone to confide in. She's the one I always confide in. But now she's gone. Who do I have to turn to? She says that she wants her space and time. She doesn't wanna be bounded by a relationship. But yet she still loves me and I love her. So we'll just stay lovers without being in a relationship. It's like drinking coffee without caffeine. Chocolate without cocao.

My studies. Having so much trouble trying to come up with the money to continue with my studies. I have no idea. Am I fated to be one of those people who will be uneducated getting a very low paying job? Struggling and earning just enough to get by? I don't wanna be that. I wanna go to Uni and get a good degree. But it just seems too far away. Fuck. God, let me see the road that lies ahead of me. Show me a little light.

Messed Up Mind

2006-09-26T16:43:00.000+08:00

I met Chris and Marcus today to break fast with them. Being around my friends really makes time go faster and helps to get by the loneliness. It's tearing me apart. I need to piece my life back together again.

We sat down and talked about our lifes. Needed to catch up with them. They're really busy with University. Proud of them... But at the same time, I feel inferior. Guess it'll be a driving force to study hard once I complete my National Service.

The trio are back in business. It's really healthy to be around them.

I LIKE IT.

Skype

2006-09-20T08:31:00.000+08:00

This morning, my baby called me. All thanks to Skype, I can talk to my baby overseas on the internet for FREE. It's really refreshing to hear her voice in the morning. No doubt when she's awake, I'm asleep and vice-versa, the little time we spend on the phone is very precious. I'm still very much in love with her and contented with our relationship. She really gives a damn about me.

I'm going to prove to alot of people that overseas relationships do work out.

What's all this nonsense. this was yesterdays entry that i'm typing. I've been waiting 1.5 hours for her to come online but she's not here. I told her at 10pm London time. But she's not here. I'm always the one trying to contact her. She never once tried to call without me asking her. It's really sad and depressing... I thought she gave a damn about me. She doesn't. It's only a facade. Out gallavanting with her friends and where do I stand? Nowhere. That's always the case since our relationship started from day one.

Currently Listening To: Skid Row - I Remember You

Greeted By Tears In My Awakening

2006-09-19T15:13:00.000+08:00

This photo was taken when SECTION 6 was fooling around at the Fire Post. Section 6 for your information is the best section in Fire rescure and Fire Fighting In Station 44. We Embrace Immortality.

I woke up this morning at the Fire Post at 0430 Hours. I reached into one of the pocket compartments of my fire jacket and took out a picture which we took together on my day of enlistment. I could spend a whole lifetime staring at the photo. Staring at those eyes. Such beauty.

I've kept that photo in my fire jacket everytimm I fought raging fires. It gives me strength. To remind me to keep on fighting so that I can earn my life after the fire too see her again.

Baby, I always remember you. I wanna hear that you remember me too. I wished things could've turned out better. What you told me last night really woke me up from all the things I've done to you. If you ever read this sayang, please don't hesitate and tell me that you forgive me.

I'll be the man that you want. You can have the man you want in your arms forever. Your knight in shiny armour holding a rose in the battlefield has risen to claim his prize. The once killing beast has turned into a romancing prince to take you to places where you've never imagined existed. Better than Paris.

No need to run no more. I'll build a home for you in my heart. A grand palace fit only for the GODS. In there you'll be worshipped and anything you ask for shall be given unto you. I lay my heart, this moment, right now, into your lovely hands. Take my pride away GODS, I don't need it. Take anything that you wish. Just don't take the true love that I have.

Hate Me

2006-09-18T12:24:00.000+08:00

This is the first time that I'm updating my blog using my mobile. It's very different travelling to work. i feel like i'm dragging tons of weight on each leg. this kind of mindset makes me fear of work. i'm very distracted. which makes me fear of making mistakes during work. mistakes will mean a casualty, my life or worse, another firefighter. gotta purge all these unpure thoughts. i still remember all the beautiful memories we had together baby. it feels like it happened yesterday. i will always remember to love you. through all these troubled waters, another thought that keeps disturbing me at night is having a real father-son relationship with my step-dad. i've always yearned for the love of a dad. someone, a man, that i can talk and relate to. but it seems to me all the time that he couldn't give a damn about me. all these thoughts make me feel like a soldier wearing a different set of uniform deep in enemy territory. i feel really left out and intimidated. now i'm thinking on the train, how can i fix this? i really don't know. but i know that deep down inside, i have the strength to break the chains that tie me down. currently at admiralty. will be passing her home in 2 stops. just another memory. she's my heart and my soul. no matter what my friends tell me, they won't really know till it happens to them. baby, if it makes it easier for both of us, just hate me why don't you so that you don't have to love me and i can bury all the feelings i have for you faced down...
now if only i can make the guy next to me stop looking at my entry... will update tonight in station.

in the bus right now. listening to dishwalla - every little thing. really screwed up song to play when you're really morose. oh man. soon i'll be putting on a mask to show the world that everything's ok. sigh. do they really know? can they feel what i'm feeling? sometimes it sucks knowing that you're alone.

Tears

2006-09-17T21:42:00.000+08:00

I just cannot stand it anymore. I just called her. But I couldn't hold back my emotions. I really miss alot. She seems to neglect me. Can't she feel that all I want is just one simple message to know that she's OK.

Friends they tell me that overseas or long distance relationships don't work out. Is it true? I really don't know. My good friend passed away because his girlfriend cheated on him overseas and he killed himself. Am I to suffer that same fate? Or has fate destined me for something much worse? Surviving the whole ordeal. It's really killing me inside.

She said that having friends around would help go through this phase. But still they don't help. I'm withering as the hours go past. I can do nothing to bring her back. Looks like the only confidant I have is this Blog.

Currently Ahmad Is Listening To: Skid Row - I Remember You